Are You Suffering From FONKA?

By Rishe Deitsch

Newlywed Tina, now pregnant, eagerly awaited news of her husband Michael who had been sent to the front to fight against Germany. There was a knock on the door; it was his commanding officer bearing the terrible news. Her husband had perished on the battlefield. All she had left was his coat, which his comrade had salvaged.

Heartbroken, Tina gave birth to her daughter alone, and started rebuilding her life. She remarried, to a man who happened to be Jewish, and became pregnant a short while later. Not long afterwards, there was another knock on the door. Her first husband returned from the dead. Michael had lent his coat to a freezing soldier, who then died on the battlefield…

The war her first husband “died” in was World War II. Tina is now 91 and has lived a full life, raising five children and overcoming many obstacles. Read in the Kislev issue of the N’shei Chabad Newsletter (click here to subscribe) about how this brave, intelligent and beautiful woman returned to her Jewish roots at the age of 91.

Ever felt the photographer is ruining the wedding? Y. Lipmanson (writer in Di Yiddishe Heim, 1960, when wedding photography was in its infancy) describes that experience in his own unique way in his article, “Oy, the Pictures!” in the Kislev issue of N’shei Chabad Newsletter:

There in the yichud room he wants to put us through a series of poses, as he puts it. Our heads have to be to the north, the eyes to the west and the kallah’s gown spread in all directions. My hat must be at an angle just so and my smile must be wide enough to show some teeth. My kallah’s head starts to spin and her arms are aching from the weight of the flowers. Soon the photographer himself gets caught in all his wires and falls flat on his face. I don’t know how or when we would have ever gotten out of there if not for a trick of fate. A silly thing, really, that saves us from calamity…

His experiences are followed by some comments from the Rebbe on the topic of how to make a wedding:

The Rebbe writes: It is my considered opinion that a Jewish-Chassidic wedding must be as lavish as possible with regard to all spiritual matters, which in itself is related to a reduced amount of money spent on material matters. Also, and of equal importance: Obviously, all the above is to be done on the condition that it can be achieved in a pleasant manner, without having it lead to quarreling…

Also in the Kislev issue, Rabbi Gershon Schusterman responds to a man who writes:

Dear Rabbi: I, alongside my wife, have been working in Jewish outreach for twelve years with significant success and we have built up quite a following. We also have four children, B”H. Four months ago we had a child, a beautiful baby girl, who died quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Ever since then I have been quite miserable; my wife, I dare say, even more so. I’m mature enough to understand that this is to be expected and ‘this too shall pass.’ My question for you, dear Rabbi, is that my relationship with Hashem has been damaged. I feel totally cold towards Him. I feel that He let me down and I feel abandoned by Him. This is a time when I need Him the most but I can’t access Him. It affects my work as well. I used to be able to talk to those seeking Yiddishkeit with joyous enthusiasm, but today I can’t. If I were free to articulate what is really on my heart I would drive people away. Rabbi, what do I do?

But it’s not all serious stuff. If you need a chuckle, and who doesn’t, read about Modern-Day Fears and Syndromes such as FOCLA, FONKA, and RBS:

FOCLA: fear of cleaning lady abandonment. Symptoms include racing heart, hives, cold and hot sweats and using language that is out of character. The greater the number of dirty pots, the worse the symptoms. Women have been
known to have full-blown episodes of FOCL when the cleaning lady is only 30 to 45 seconds late.

FONKA (fear of no kids around): fear of all people under 20 leaving town so one won’t be able to find documents one has saved on computer, somewhere. Maybe in “Recent Downloads.”
But where on earth is THAT?

RBS: reverse breastmilk syndrome. This temporary condition is commonly seen
in women who have given birth within the past year. The mother’s milk, instead of going down and into the baby, goes up into the mother’s brain, causing
her to make irrational statements such as, “I joined a gym.”

Don’t miss this issue! Visit nsheichabadnewsletter.com today to subscribe in time for the Kislev issue. We’re waiting for you!