When Was Your First Fight?

By Rabbi Pinney Herman

Did you make it through your Sheva Brochos without getting into a fight with your spouse? My wife and I only made it to day three before we had ours. I don’t remember what it was about (although she probably does), but I do remember the feeling of, “What in the world did I just get myself into?” Thankfully, the storm passed, and we got back to being an oblivious chosson and kallah.

I read two articles recently on COLlive.com discussing first-year divorce and the authors’ thoughts on this foundational issue:

• Are Divorce Rates on the Rise in the Frum World?
• Misreading the Frum Divorce Crisis

I agreed with some of their points and disagreed with others, but that shouldn’t be much of a surprise. Based on my experience as a Rabbi/Shliach, counseling couples, and leading Imago Marriage Workshops with my wife, I can safely say that relationships are usually complicated! 

A couple of disclaimers: 

1. There is a time for divorce. Otherwise, it would not be in the Torah, nor would we have Tractate Gittin.
2. My remarks are not intended for couples dealing with diagnosed personality disorders or mental illness. Such situations require assistance from knowledgeable professionals. Furthermore, just because a spouse googles “Borderline” or “mental illness” and sees similarities with their spouse does not mean the spouse has this disorder. 

I think education is one of the most vital keys in addressing the issue of marriage, whether in the first, fourth, fourteenth, or fortieth year, because most of us enter into marriage with little knowledge of how relationships work. In my experience, when a couple has a good relationship, that is the best time to get help because they are more open to understanding the dynamic in their marriage. The Rebbe stressed numerous times the value of preventative care. Why wait for someone to get sick, G-d forbid, and then give them a cure when they can prevent themselves from contracting the disease in the first place? Likewise, educating ourselves about relationships can prevent a lot of heartache and negative energy in our lives and marriages. 

 For example, in our first ten years, my wife and I had a good marriage, but, when there was conflict, it didn’t go well. We would fight, be frustrated, and never fully resolve the issue. Eventually, the fight would end, and we would continue to have a good marriage until the next time. However, we were both confused by our reactions during the conflict. One of us would become more energetic and expressive, while the other would duck and cover, shut down, and not talk much for fear of exacerbating the situation. 

Over time, we explored self-help books that explained our dynamic but not how to move forward. My wife returned from the kinus hashluchos one year and told me she found an answer. She attended a workshop introducing Imago Marriage Therapy, which gave us tools to handle conflict in a mature and Moach-Shalit -Al-Halev kind of way. It also explains why the spouse we pick is a match that can help us grow into our potential. We enrolled in the workshop given by Rabbi Shmuel a”h and Rivkah yl”t Stauber and thank G-d it transformed our relationship. While the approach they presented did not come from Jewish sources, we did see how well it aligned with Torah in general and Chassidus in particular. Rabbonim and others I have consulted have also endorsed this approach. Yesh Chochmo Bagoyim.

If our young (and not-so-young) couples were aware that most relationships have certain stages, perhaps they would be better able to handle conflict. Generally speaking, there are three stages in relationships. The first is the Romantic Stage, where the Chosson and Kallah’s pleasant hormones, like endorphins, work overtime and are in a blissful state of unawareness. The happy couple shows up late for sheva brochos, completes each other’s sentences, and in their cocoon, everything is right with the world. The truth is, this applies not only in marriage but in other situations. For example, getting into the seminary or yeshiva of your choice, finding your dream house, or landing the best job. Everything is perfect in the beginning, but issues eventually appear. In marriage, this first stage often lasts about 0-18 months (some people may not experience this stage at all. However, many do). 

The next stage, known as the Conflict Stage, is where the “fun” begins. All of a sudden, the things that you love about the person may become annoying. For example, the laid-back spouse that we wanted becomes a spouse who can’t make a decision. Conversely, the bubbly “fun” spouse we wanted may not seem to have an “off” switch. The conflict stage can be challenging, and disagreements can occur over almost anything. Sadly, some marriages never make it out of this power struggle, and for those who choose to stay together, it can be a very lonely existence. 

Hopefully, the couple moves to the Enchantment Stage or conscious love. They understand that their spouse is not perfect and may have some quirks. However, the negative judgment is gone; in some ways, they can celebrate it or even laugh at it together. 

The Rebbe made Mivtza Chinuch a cornerstone of revitalizing Jewish life. I believe that marriage education can revitalize marriages at any stage, whether the first year or the fortieth. 

While the saying, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” may be true sometimes, I believe most people have something broken inside, impacting their most important and precious relationships. And if you are one of the few who isn’t “broke,” there’s something else to consider-“az gut iz gut, is besser nisht besser (if things are good, can’t we make them even better)?” 

May I suggest that among your hachlotos for this year, consider learning new ways to improve your relationship with your spouse. Ahavas Yisroel, like charity, begins at home. 

May we all enjoy a year filled with sholom bayis and may this year of Tov Shin Pey Hey stand for Tihey Shnas Happy Families, happy partners, happy parents, and healthy too!

Rabbi Pinney Herman, M.Ed., has been serving as a Chabad Shliach in Raleigh, North Carolina, for over 30 years. He and his wife, Helana, are certified Imago Marriage Educators and Somatic Practitioners and lecture on marriage, mikvah, and various Jewish topics. They work with clients in person and over Zoom and lead marriage workshops for couples and singles. Rabbi Pinney is available to counsel men and couples as he completes earning his Florida Counseling License. He can be reached at rabbipinneyherman@gmail.com