Matrimony. That giant step, the cornerstone of Jewish life and continuity. But in today’s confusing age, many fears can hold the person back. The Avner Institute presents the Rebbe’s “dating manual” in three letters: the needless financial and professional concerns over marrying young, the importance of character and commitment to a Torah home, and the choice of life partner based on “inner essence,” rather than the physical or external.
In loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”h
On the perceived importance of job and economic security before marriage.
By the Grace of G-d
. . .5737
Roslyn, New York
Greeting and Blessing:
This is in reply to your letter in which you write about the matter of parnassah. The thrust of your position is that nowadays considerable preparatory schooling and formal secular education are indispensable in order to get on in business or employment; you also contend that we need Jewish doctors, lawyers and other
professionals—all of which poses a challenge to the primacy of Torah education and early marriage, etc.
Although you begin your arguments with a quotation from the Shulchan Aruch [Code of Jewish Law], they are advanced primarily from the viewpoint of secular considerations. So, I will address myself to this aspect of the problem, that is, from the secular viewpoint.
Truly Necessary?
To begin with, you must surely know that statistics show that an overwhelming percentage of college graduates establish themselves economically in fields other than those in which they graduated.
You are no doubt also aware that, in this country at any rate, it has been the trend for many years, and more so recently, that economic opportunities have been related less to college degrees than to personal contacts and being fortunate enough to get a “push;” in other words, it is not so much “what you know” as “who you know.” For better or for worse, the fact is that the importance of a college degree has been on the wane in recent years.
A further point—again from the secular view—is basic to the so-called “exact” sciences, namely, that the first thing is to know what the facts are, and only then can one try to explain them; for no amount of logic can alter the facts. This is the old philosophical rule that opinions follow reality, and not vice versa. Hence, in regard to marriage, any sociologist will tell you that precisely in the materialistically oriented society of the U.S.A., most marriages are entered into before the couple has attained economic security, and the acquisition of a home comes still later.
Changing Times
Now for the problem itself. It is true that the rule of the Shulchan Aruch which you quote (first establishing oneself in a business or profession, then buying a house, then taking a bride) would be the ideal procedure. But it has also been explained that this rule applies only when it is practicable. In earlier times, when standards of
living were modest, it was possible to establish oneself with a parnassah at a relatively early age. However, in recent generations, if a man were to postpone marriage until he was securely established with a parnassah and has bought a house—it is easy to imagine the consequences.
Indeed, there is no need to leave anything to the imagination, nor is there any need to go into painful detail as to the state of morality in those circles where marriage is unduly postponed. Compare it with the high standards of morality and family stability in the frum circles, where early marriage is the rule.
In recent years, a further consideration has come into prominence. We Jews are survivors of the Holocaust, and everyone should do everything possible to counteract Hitler’s plan of the “Final Solution,” which his heirs have not given up. Anything that tends to reduce and decimate our Jewish people, G-d forbid, either
quantitatively or qualitatively (through assimilation and the like), plays into the hands of our enemies. Therefore, a Jew who sets up a home and family early, on the foundations of the Torah—a binyan adei ad [everlasting edifice] in the fullest sense—deals a blow to Hitler’s heirs and strengthens our people.
Finally, there are further points in favor of early marriage: parents are generally willing to help out their newlywed children until they become entirely self-sufficient; there are various relief agencies—federal, state and city—with various helpful programs, as well as job-training facilities, trade schools, etc., all designed to
make life easier in the contemporary complex society.
In summary, from every viewpoint, not least from the viewpoint of a healthy moral society, it is not in the best interest of young people and the society at large to postpone marriage until they are fully independent economically, as you seem to advocate. You will surely understand why I cannot share your view.
With blessing,
[signature]
On what to look for in a marriage partner.
By the Grace of G-d
13th of Tammuz, 5725
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
After not hearing from you for a very long time, I received your letter of June 29th, although in the meantime I have received regards from your father on his visit here.
In reply to your questions:
What are the good qualities to look for in a shidduch [marriage partner]?
The answer is that first and foremost the person should be trustworthy, so that he could fully be relied upon in all his promises relating to the establishment of a truly Jewish home, a binyan adei ad [everlasting edifice]. The maximum assurance that he is indeed such a person is when he is religious, and his whole life, in every aspect of the daily life, is directed by the Torah and Mitzvoth. For in such a case one can be fully certain that he is not motivated merely by the opinions of other people, but considers these matters as a sacred mitzvah, commanded by G-d. Having ascertained this first and primary quality, it is then possible to consider also what additional qualities a person has.
How is it possible to get to know a person well before the wedding?
The answer is that it is quite true that it is impossible to get to know a person before the wedding as well as after. However, it is possible to get to know him in an adequate way by making sure that he has the primary quality mentioned above. And this can be found out indirectly, in addition also to what he himself reveals. In other words, it is possible to find out about his family background, his upbringing and education, and his general conduct in the daily life. For a person’s character is a combination of all these factors and influences.
True Source
I would like to conclude with a further important point.
If it is always necessary to have G-d’s blessing, how much more so in the matter of a shidduch which is to last a lifetime. The way to receive G-d’s blessings is, as the Torah states clearly, “If you will walk in My statutes, and will observe My commandments and do them”—then follow all the good blessings, not only spiritual but also material. And although one is expected to do everything in the natural order of things, in accordance with the regular local practice in the circles of Torah observant Jews, it is well to bear in mind that the blessing is from G-d, as it is written, “And he will bless you in all that you do.” Therefore, every additional effort in matters of Torah and Mitzvoth will bring you an additional measure of Divine
blessing.
In your case specifically, there is something which can also act as a segulah [charm], as I told your father. No doubt he has also told you about it, though I am very much surprised that I have not heard from him in this matter, and that he has not acknowledged receipt of my letter, which I trust has duly reached him.
Hoping to hear good news from you, and with kind regards to your father.
With blessing
By (secretary)
On where the focus should lie.
By the Grace of G-d
19th of Iyar, 5715
Brooklyn, N.Y.
Blessing and Greeting:
I received your letter of April 17th, in which you describe your history, dwelling on your limp and wondering whether it might affect your chances of a suitable shidduch.
Needless to say, you are quite right in disregarding the ill advice of “take what you can get.” It is contrary even to good reason, and certainly from the point of view of our Torah, Toras Chayyim, our way of life. The Jewish view of a shidduch, as expressed in the sheva-brachos [seven blessings recited after a wedding], is that it is an everlasting edifice; a Jewish home is a Divine sanctuary.
The essential thing of a shidduch is the setting up of a home, where both parties of the marriage can live a life of Torah and Mitzvoth, which alone ensures lasting happiness. It is based on belief and faith in G-d, the Creator of the world, not only 5715 years ago, but constantly gives it existence and supervises it in every detail and takes care of each and every individual. This is the basic principle of our creed.
Inner Qualities
From the above, the answer to your questions can be clearly deduced. While looking around to select the suitable shidduch, the first and foremost attention should be given to the inner qualities of the young man, that is to say, those which are essential to the setting up of a true Jewish home. Hence, external qualities and
appearances are absolutely unimportant.
Through such an approach, and since marriage is one of the fundamental commandments of the Creator, incumbent upon every Jewish boy and girl, which makes it certain that the possibility for it is also Divinely provided, as otherwise such a commandment would have been unjust and illogical—I am certain that your limp will not be a handicap for a truly suitable shidduch.
To sum up, limp or no limp, the proper way to go about a shidduch is to find a young man whose inner core is as it should be, while external aspects are secondary and unimportant, and one is well advised to forego many external things for one inner essential quality. Your conviction of this and your faith in G-d will surely
hasten the realization of it.
With blessing,
By (secretary)
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