Can marriage and compromise . . . well, get along? How can partners, each of whom feels totally in the right, come to an agreement, without affecting the atmosphere?
The Avner Institute presents two newly released letters with the Rebbe’s advice to troubled couples on achieving harmony, shalom bayis – calling mutual deference the key to conflict resolution, which is just as important as marriage itself.
In loving memory of Hadassah Lebovic A”h
“To Strengthen the Family Ties”
5730
Mrs. ________
Montreal, Canada
Blessing and Greeting:
I received your letter with considerable delay.
I trust it is unnecessary to emphasize to you at length that the Jewish way of life, together with its customs, etc., is not only very significant in general, but also in every detail and in the very order of things. In light of this, it becomes obvious how important are peace and harmony between a husband and wife, since the mitzvah of making peace between a husband and wife is counted among the mitzvot whose fruits a Jew enjoys in this world, while the “capital” remains for the World-to-Come.1 These are mentioned right at the beginning of the siddur – together with the morning blessings, which are said even before starting the actual morning prayers.
With this approach in mind, it will prove somewhat easier to understand that even if one party were to be completely in the right (or almost completely in the right), while the other party was completely in the wrong (or almost completely in the wrong), it would still be incumbent upon both parties to do everything in their power to restore peace and harmony. Certainly this duty becomes paramount in the case of a husband and wife who hold prominent positions in the community, as a result of which other Jews look up to them for example and guidance.
Clearly, an outsider cannot know, nor can he be told, what compelling reasons there might be for such a situation. The outsider can only observe and draw his own conclusions, since he will not inquire about, nor is it possible to inform him of, all the factors and extenuating circumstances, should there be any. Add to this the fact that it concerns a couple, both of whom are active in the sphere of Jewish education.
Moreover, and of course this is also most essential, since G-d has blessed you with children, good children, who require the attention, love and upbringing of both parents, and these children are surely entitled to receive what is due to them from their parents –there can be no shadow of a doubt that each of you should do everything possible not to strain the relationship further, but on the contrary, both of you must try to strengthen it and restore it to full harmony.
As to the situation itself, namely, who is right and who is wrong, I cannot, of course, go into this, nor is it necessary in light of what has been said above. For the important thing, as already stated, is to strengthen the family ties, this being the overriding consideration.
However, it would be well if you could find a mutual friend before whom both of you could unburden yourselves in a frank exchange of grievance. It is possible that an outsider, who at the same time is a friend, might see more objectively, and find the best way to straighten things out, and in the soonest possible time, so that once again peace and harmony may reign in the home.
Hoping to hear good news from you,
With blessing,
[Sign.]
Here too the Rebbe emphasizes flexibility in order to “keep the peace.”
“So Does One Heart Reflect Another”
5734
Miami Beach, Florida
Blessing and Greeting:
I am in receipt of your letter.
You surely know how great is the importance of peace and harmony among Jews, as is so often emphasized in our Torah.
The Torah is even more emphatic about shalom bayit, peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife. So much so that, despite the sanctity of every word in the Torah, especially the sanctity of G-d’s name inscribed in the Torah, there is one occasion when G-d Himself orders His written name to be effaced by water, and that is… in order to preserve the peaceful relationship between husband and wife.1
In light of the above you will find my answer to your question, which is that you ought to try your utmost not only to preserve a peaceful and harmonious relationship with your husband, but even to strengthen it and, as in every area of the desirable and good, to the point where it will serve as an inspiring example to all those around you.
Needless to say, I am not attempting to make a judgment as to who is right and who is wrong, who is at fault, and to what extent, etc., etc. But even assuming, for the sake of argument, that one of you is entirely in the right, it is still very worthwhile to do everything possible, for the sake of preserving shalom bayit. Moreover, as the wisest of all men said, “As water reflects the face, so does one heart reflect another.”2 It is certain that a consistently friendly and conciliatory attitude on your part is bound to evoke reciprocal feelings on the part of your husband.
As requested, I will remember you and the others mentioned in your letter in prayer, and may G-d grant that you will have good news to report.
With blessing,
[Sign.]
P.S. In accordance with your request, this letter is sent to you on a priority basis, Special Delivery.
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