The Combative Approach to Tznius

By anonymous

I’m a Chabad girl, like many other Chabad girls out there. I was brought up in a regular, Chassidishe home, my parents are shluchim, and BH gave me great foundations for life. And yet, sometimes when the over-exhausted topic of tznius comes up amongst my friends, I feel like I have suddenly been transported to a whole other version of Judaism.

The last time I checked, Chabad Chassidus is about getting involved in the physical world so as to uplift it and ultimately make this world holy enough for Moshiach.

In order to do this, we don’t shy away from the outside world and remain in a box – that was never the Chabad way. We maintain a difficult balance of staying completely true to our values, while getting out there and involved in the lowliest places so that we can spread G-dliness. I know I’ve made it simplistic, but for the purpose of my point stay with me.

I wonder sometimes if today we have become slightly confused about this “out of the box” attitude and maybe gone too far, blurring boundaries we definitely shouldn’t. Some Chabad Chassidim today love the Rebbe and are passionate about his teachings, but unfortunately are careless in basic matters of halacha such as shaving, sheitels, the music they listen to, you can all finish the list in your minds.

And yes, unfortunately this is affecting tznius in a dire way. Chabad women have always been proud of the fact that they look beautiful, wear sheitels (unlike other Chassidic groups that allow other less attractive coverings), can wear other colors besides navy and black, and other cuts besides suits. And so they should be, it’s great!

The Jewish woman should not be hidden away, her beauty is not sinful. Rather she is dignified, classy, beautiful. But again, some of us have become a little confused about this. We all know about the “issues” Chabad is facing today with tznius, we’ve all seen the mini skirts left right and center, no stockings ‘cos like, it’s too hot, and necklines that just plunge and plunge. It’s no doubt shocking.

And yet, what I feel is sadder (in a way), is the efforts other women are going to combat this. With great gusto and zeal, girls pride themselves in being particular about every little detail you could possibly make a rule about. There are suddenly discussions about colors you shouldn’t wear, materials, hair lengths, patterns and what-not. Stuff I never heard about in my home, and I’m not a baalas tshuva of any sort.

I feel like tznius has become stricter and more particular than it ever was, to the effect that to be considered properly tznius, you have to look like you’re from Satmar. Patterned tights are glared upon, as is any colour nail polish that isn’t the blushest of pinks, and some girls won’t even go near straight skirts, even if they’re loose. I’m sorry, we’re loosing the plot.

Responding to the challenges people are facing with tznius with extremism in the other direction is just ineffective. Beside the fact that it’s just not the Chabad way. In fact, it’s possible to “follow all the rules” and still lack the look of a Lubavitch girl. Because it shouldn’t be about the rules, it’s about the way you present yourself in general, and if you want to present yourself in a not-tznius way, no lengthy list of rules is going to help.

My mother wears maroon nail polish, yeah. And she’s considered a very tznius woman in our community. And you know what she told me? She told me that when she was my age, growing up as a Lubavitcher girl, tznius was never even spoken about, you just understood it.

There were no lengthy discussions about particulars, like whether wearing leather is Chassidish or how long your hair can be. They just knew – you gotta cover your elbows knees and collar bones, and the rest is about the overall look of a Chassidishe girl. They all just knew how to get dressed in the morning, look in the mirror, and decide if their look was right for whom they were. Dignified, classy, beautiful. Without all the extra “guidelines” I hear some girls wave their arms about today.

The other day a friend of mine tried on a pair of glasses of another girl. They were large, tortoiseshell frames and made her look absolutely adorable. This girl is a baalas tshuva and Tznius is very important to her. As she half-smiled in the mirror she said, “Hm, they look cute but I don’t know if they”re so… Tznius. They stand out too much.” I kid you not.

Listen, I love this girl a lot, but there is something very wrong about that statement. Correct me if I’m wrong, but there is nothing wrong with standing out in Lubavitch, there is nothing wrong with wearing noticeable, fashionable glasses.

We follow Halacha, which by the way, is meant to bring out the beauty in the Jewish woman. Not smother it. In Boro Park, it might be different. And although I respect the way other Chassidim approach Tznius, I don’t believe that Lubavitchers have to think that way. To me, this is a part of my upbringing. To her, as a girl becoming frum today, with the pressure of this new-age, Chagas Chassidus type of Tznius talk, she felt self conscious.

I think we’ve got to get our balance back. No one wants either extreme. No one wants Lubavitch shluchos running around with their bodies on show, total hefkerus with Halacha. And at the same time, no one wants Chabad women to turn into narrow-minded “farchenyokt” suit wearers. Neither of them are the Chabad way, and neither of them are going to help us on our shlichus or in uplifting the world. We need to go back our mothers’ good old Tznius. We need to concentrate on the general look of a frum, respectable woman, not all the painful nitty grittys which just make it a bother.

You know why this might help? Because firstly, it will make keeping Tznius much less painful, it might just take the eye-rolling out of the thought of such a beautiful mitzvah. No one wants to follow such a long list of rules, and no one wants to feel guilty for wearing long, dangling earrings. No young girls want the pressure of having to live up to such guidelines, and no one wants to be considered “less Chassidish” when they are 100% Tznius, but just like to look bright and put together.

So to those of us young girls who like to have these extra guidelines, who like to stay within stricter boundaries because they anyways don’t mind dressing in a very subdued manner, that’s fine. Girls, you can decide for yourself what extra chumros you want to keep.

But I beg of you, don’t rant and rave about how your way is the only way and that it’s not Chassidish to do this and that. Don’t either look down upon girls who don’t follow the same things as you, remember that it’s a personal thing (or a family thing maybe) and other people aren’t be bound by it. Because what people hate the most is people who act holier than thou. It’s off-putting to people who are trying their best to cover the basics.

And to the others, who want to look good and even stand out once in while, let me please reiterate that Halacha is of utmost importance. I’m not claiming to be a Rabbi, but I’m pretty sure that we all have to cover our elbows, knees and collar bones fully, wear stockings and making sure the material doesn’t contour the exact outlines of the body. And wow, that is hard enough. So please don’t be overwhelmed by what you hear about Tznius these days.

Again, focus on the basics. And most importantly, focus on the overall look. When you look in the mirror, don’t feel bad that all forty five criteria on the Tznius checklist aren’t ticked off, just ask yourself: “If I was walking on the street, would someone recognize me as a frum Lubavitch girl?” Because unfortunately some girls struggle with the desire to blend in seamlessly with non-Jews on the street. And the myriad of urban Tznius myths flying around are not going to help with this. It’s about a sensitivity to the general picture of a Tznius woman.