Shalom Bayis advice abound – workshops, articles and books, and therapies, rabonim and mashpias. And even more, advice from well-meaning friends and family.
These can be very helpful in a healthy relationship when both the husband and wife are willing to put in the necessary effort into their marriage.
Oftentimes, the challenges in the marriage are related to typical life stresses. Or there are some problems with communication or emotion-management. With new skills and mindsets, the marriage can be put on track to success. Quite possibly, with proper advice and guidance, even when only one spouse puts in all the work, a marriage can be improved.
And then, there are abusive situations, where one (sometimes, it can be both) is violent, emotionally and/ or physically to their spouse, and sometimes to the children too. Or is very controlling and has complete disrespect and disregard for the other, and demeans and belittles them. (Read more about Domestic Violence on Adai Ad’s resources page here.)
In such marriages, the abused spouse and the children do not feel safe in their own home. They are always walking on eggshells, never knowing when the next assault will come. They are suffering from emotional and verbal abuse, which in fact, most victims of abuse will tell you is worse. Much worse. Such abusive marriages are much too painful to bear and are not viable.
Yiddishkeit puts much emphasis on the importance of family. The Torah strongly encourages spouses to put in the effort to keep a marriage together. And many sefarim and shiurim are dedicated to that end, and hours and hours of counseling are expended. Sometimes, this religious devotion to the sanctity of marriage is misrepresented or misunderstood and ends up being a weapon or a chain, keeping a spouse in a dire situation.
Divorce is not a first or even second alternative and the decision for divorce should not be taken lightly. Yet, the Torah dedicates a whole mesechta of gemara to the issue of Gittin. The Torah does allow for divorce, if it comes to that.
We have all learned about the Gemara that says that when someone divorces his wife, even the Mizbeach (Altar) sheds tears on his account. (Gittin 90b, Sanhedrin 22a). What does this really mean and how does it apply to ending a marriage of severe pain and abuse?
This Monday evening, May 1 2017, at 8:45 PM Eastern Time, via conference call, Rabbi YY Jacobson will discuss: “Does the Mizbeach Cry When an Abusive Marriage Ends? An hashkafic view on ending an abusive marriage.”
The conversation will be followed by a Q&A. You can send in your questions anonymously before, during and after the call to www.adaiad.org/ask-anonymous-question.
To join, call 641-552-9123. Access code: 256965
This call is brought to the community by Crown Heights Jewish Community Council, Adai Ad and Shalom Taskforce. It is part of a series of workshops and education organized by the Crown Heights Jewish Community Council under a grant by the New York City Council Domestic Violence Initiative awarded by Council Member Matthieu Eugene.
Check Adai Ad’s website for upcoming calls and events at www.adaiad.org/events or recordings of past events at www.adaiad.org/past-events.
Any organization which talk only to the women “sister” in order to save a marriage, sounds a bit impractical.
Are there any impartial organizations which don’t focus on Divorce as its go to solution?
Sister to sister and Ohel are staffed and populated by Divorced women, and refuse to sit down with the couple. I called Ohel, “we only talk to women”, how can you help a couple if you only talk to one side?!
Please post names of impartial professionals and or organizations that help marriages who do not profit from separations and divorce?
The sister to sister organization for divorced women tries to preserve marriage . If you are a woman you can cal thwm for advice 718 338 2943. Hope this helps!
Hi all
Who are the best Lubavitch experts on borderline personality disorder?
Please post names and websites…
I am in this situation and need urgent help.
Thanks a lot for your assistance.
To all men and women who are in anyway involved in this nisayon, let us remember that ein hakadosh baruch hu ba btrunya, Hashem is always with you!
A specially a yid who learns chasidus we have tools and ways to approach any challenge Hashem resents us with
People who exaggerate or present themselves victims in order to get the upper hand do so not out of malice but usually are pressured into it by orginzations and clicks who eagerly try to recruit more victims even if the “victims” are not really in danger but rather have their own untreated issues
Rabbi Jacobson, thank you so much for this. I’ve been very happily divorced for two years. My marriage was extremely abusive…when I wanted to get out, I had every Rov, friend, and stranger telling me what to do, how I should stay and work it out. It was the best decision I ever made in my life, and until today I thank Hashem everyday for giving me the wisdom to leave when I did. Thank you for speaking up for all of us who have suffered, and those of us who are still suffering but too scared to make a… Read more »
Is there an organization that helps men or women who were falsely accused by a divorcing spouse? Is there an organization that can help someone who made false misleading allegations and now regrets it to save face undo the damage and proceed with an amicable post divorce relationship? Lastly, which originations exist today which do not have a conflict of interest by seeing false claims of abuse as genuine? and to whom Rabbonim can reliably send couples to? Where are the impartial organizations?Who do not profit off off broken families? Is there any hope or help out there for victims… Read more »
That is really true! Those few dishonest woman give truly abusive men a platform to label their victims claims as false allegations. They furthermore will appear to be the “Mensch ” when in reality they are covering up their abuse and are the real ones spreading false rumors by appearing innocent and making their ex or wife seem crazy like she’s making up stories. Many times it is easy to believe them since an abused woman suffering from complex postratumatic stress disorder will show symptoms while the abuser will play it cool. While everyone is being made aware of borderline… Read more »
Is there an organization that helps men or women who were falsely accused by a divorcing spouse? Is there an organization that can help someone who made false misleading allegations and now regrets it to save face undo the damage and proceed with an amicable post divorce relationship? Lastly, which originations exist today which do not have a conflict of interest by seeing false claims of abuse as genuine? and to whom Rabbonim can reliably send couples to? Where are the impartial organizations?Who do not profit off off broken families? Is there any hope or help out there for victims… Read more »
52 made many valid points.
. Unfortunately as #55 has said. Those who make false allegations has ruined it for the real victims mentioned in #52!!
All false allegations hurt and discredit real abuse victims
Shame on these ladies and men who use false allegations as a weapon to gain the upper hand and to destroy their spouse and family
a. those who want to warn the public about how women with BPD are good at lying and use false allegations to alienate children and gain the upper hand socially, legally and monetarily. b. those who want spouses of BPDs to run the other way due to how toxic and miserable the alternative will be. c. those who preach turning the other cheek and appeasing the abuser until misiras nefish under the guise of following the Rebbe’s teachings (a twisted and dangerous interpretation of the rebbe’s words to be sure). d. women who lied about their husband and feel outed… Read more »
it seems from your post that you have an agenda to make sure that nobody suspect that many women lie, embellish and misrepresent in order to get what they want. nothing you will post here can change the well known statistics that in cases of divorce and custody disputes more than two thirds of abuse claims are false and nearly all the others are gross exaggerations. its common sense who you are and why you are posting, real victims of abuse dont have an inferiority complex and need to convince the general public that you haven’t lied. what you wrote… Read more »
Question:what will it take for you to believe a person suffering from abuse that doesn’t have black and blue marks?? Emotional abuse is extremely difficult to prove for a reason . they are master manipulators.and there are no visible signs. To all who feel a man who speaks kindly is the mentch..you have just believed exactly what he intended for you to believe. If he was such a Mensch she wouldn’t be getting divorced..and the ultimate way to save face is to go that route. Anyone who heard Lisa tweraki speak knows that staying quiet is doing the work for… Read more »
This is true! False allegations are like a shooting star, they work and seem to be very powerful while they last, however it is only a matter of time before the house of cards women build false apart. The men who are smart don’t allow the trauma barrage unleashed on them to throw them off balance. Truth be told, most men who are blind sighted don’t cope well and end up destroyed financially and psychologically. See the tragic statistics of suicide in divorced men recently published out of Israel. Comment #8 seems to be a refreshingly different way to approach… Read more »
Sheker ein loh raglayim You have noting to worry about, since the truth ultimately comes out sooner or later. Don’t pay any attention to false diagnosis people spread about you. If it’s not true it won’t stick. Lies don’t last… false rumors always get exposed as such. The Gemara assures that generally if a rumor is untrue, it won’t last. Focus on your healing, you went through a lot! Try to surround yourself with happy friends who have happy families and happy relationships. You become like those you hang around most of the time. It may feel good to spend… Read more »
HaShem is with every couple in every house, observing it all & taking notes. He is the True Judge, and he cannot be fooled.
I repeat: How is a spouse dealing with a BPD supposed to know with certainty at all times, what, exactly, will be perceived by the BPD spouse as “the slightest hint of criticism or implied disagreement”? It could be the way the non-BPD spouse takes a punctuating breath after the BPD tosses out a put-down! A BPD who does not acknowledge that he or she has even a slight problem will angrily complain of being patronized if their spouse comes from a place of “compassion.” The unadmitted BPD, who honestly thinks they are flawless, will only be annoyed, not grateful,… Read more »
Yes in fact part of the abuse is the abusive man calling the woman borderline and her abusive experiences only he and she were witnesses to as false allegations after she’s abused and suffering from ptsd. There were so many times I could have called the police and he scared me out of it with more abuse and now its too late
I see this couple, The accuser is rounding up anyone who will listen to her claims and is ceaselessly vilifying her husband. The husband on the other hand refuses to utter a negative word about his loose-canon of a wife. Instead when confronted beith black and white examples of his wife’s behavior, he makes all sorts of excuses to blame others for her actions. When one spouse runs around as if on a campaign and the other says only kind things about his ex, the one posting on Facebook and trying to convince everyone ends up coming across suspicious. I… Read more »
I recieved a mass email from a women portraying her husband as refusing to obey a Beis Dins order to gett his wife. So I contacted the Beis Din myself and asked is this rumor true, is this man refusing to follow the Beis Din in any of its orders? The answer from Beis do was “on the contrary, the wife’s was ordered to comply with orders issued by the Beth Din and has refused, the husband has been cooperative and fully compliant all along” the Beis Din rep then added “If she is in fact spreading such rumors about… Read more »
Any Rav who refuses to follow Torah as outlined in Halakha and in the Rebbe’s letter cited in comment #13, anyone who accepts claims Ex-parte in violation of Halakha and instead chooses to rush to conclusions before carefully executing a proper chakira udrisha, is responsible for what results from his reckless decisions… vdal A Rav who does not seem to have compassion humility and kindness, who notoriously stirs the pot of machlokes whenever possible… (see what Rambam writes of such a Rav) on a positive note though, such leadership is described in the talmud as one of the signs that… Read more »
Comment #8 Does not sound like a man treating his wife kindly out of fear of her retribution or not liking him, He does not sound like his tip-toeing is motivated because he selfishly craves her approval or wants her to like him, (All of which is selfish and an unhealthy reason to be kind and careful around others). Rather, its clear that his sensitivity towards not triggering his wife’s BPD is out of genuine compassion and desire it to see her suffer. If the reason one is careful not to touch his wife’s sunburn is because he doesn’t want… Read more »
1) To all those quoting sichos and BPD, vechulay. NONE of you are experts. You are not rabbonim, nor do you have experience beyond your own. ASEH LECHA RAV. That’s what to do in a situation of doubt. Rabbonim have seen it all, and know when to consult with outside expertise. 2) Stop minimizing abuse in a marriage. A marriage is not for sorrow, pain, or suffering. It’s not something to “endure.” It’s supposed to be our greatest relationship in life, not something to live through. While that doesn’t mean it’s easy, Torah also doesn’t expect people to endure being… Read more »
Go to http://www.adaiad.org/past-events
You can listen to it there.
I need to respectfully disagree here. All of the steps outlined in #8’s recommendations are instructions as to how to walk on eggs with an abuser! How is a spouse dealing with a BPD supposed to know with certainty at all times, what, exactly, will be perceived by the BPD spouse as “the slightest hint of criticism or implied disagreement”? It could be the way the non-BPD spouse takes a punctuating breath after the BPD tosses out a put-down! Becoming ultra self-conscious in order to supposedly prevent/control the BPD’s behavior is the very definition of “walking on eggs”! ALSO: This… Read more »
Shame on you. It’s clear ou have no idea what it is like to be in such a relationship so you are in no position to make such a statement. Especially when there are children involved. I know what it’s like living (or is it dying?) with a borderline personality disordered wife, with children involved, it’s worse than Arabs, there is no appeasing them. Period. The longer one stays the more damage there is. It’s a fact. Stop preaching “take the highroad.” When is the last time you did that with a gun to your head? Living with a borderline… Read more »
So sorry to say that raising ones children in a dysfunctional and possibly violent home may be just the opposite of showing them a ” good example”. I wonder how many of the starry eyed commenters that advise to stay in the abusive marriage have any idea at all of just what they are advising.
The Abuser can also go around saying that their ex wife who ran away from dangerously serious abuse, as having “bpd” so people will hesitate to believe her… abusers usually are extremely manipulative, we must be careful as not to give support to the wrong person!! Withholding a gett (and the control that comes with it) is usually a very telling sign of who is really an abuser, willing to abuse Halacha to keep hurting and maintaining control of his wife!! Please listen to these educational conference calls, educate yourself on what domestic violence really looks like, and how to… Read more »
Reading your words is an inspiration!
You are a living example of chasidus applied!
To those who commented that you are a pushover at the expense of your children by turning the other, on the contrary, your approach is the opposite of compromising your children.
May Hashem bless you and your entire family to see better and better results!
You are a hero.
You have a difficult nisayon and you have chosen to rise above it. That is the sign of an exceptional human being. The example that your children see will stand them in good stead in life. Wishing you much hatzlacha and lots of strength.
Excellent explanation!
But now I am a bit confused. I thought that throughout this blog, “BPD” meant “Borderline Personality Disorder,” and I am wondering whether it’s supposed to mean “Bi-Polar Disorder” (which you discuss in your post)?
Both are relationship destroyers, but each is very different!
“If my allegation are presented transparently to the therapist or to the Rav, then the Rav will be mislead by my husband”
If the Torah says that it’s asur for a Rav to listen to allegations ex-party, no therapist in the world can say that the accusers claims should be believed ex-parte.
Appearance and believability can be very misleading and must therefore follow the Torah protocols.
It is quite presumptuous to accuse Rabbonim of being trickable if the accused is present and not trickabkw if the accused is not present.
The Rebbe’s insistence that truth cannot be ascertained if the accuser makes her claims ex-parte is not the Rebbe’s chidush.
Nor is there any Rov in the world who can execute an ex-parte Chakira Udrisha and know who is the one telling the truth.
The secular world is also coming around to the realization that false allegations flourish when made ex-parte.
Beware of OCPD – Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (not to be confused with OCD) – very difficult to live with – most often than not OCPD emotionally destroys the other (ND) spouse.
Anyone who is capable of perpetrating parental alienation an harassment of their husband/wife be means false allegations, is certainly themselves a deeply wounded human being.
The innocence project is proof of how often the system is fooled and successfully duped by convincingly false accusers.
The Rebbe writes that he read the letter. FROM THAT PERSON. and is responding to that situation. There are situations where one spouse is extremely manipulative and s/he can convince anyone, including a well meaning rav that the spouse is not saying the truth, when indeed it is the manipulator who is lying. There are other times when talking to the rav in front of the abuser, s/he does not feel safe to tell the whole truth and thus talking about the situation in front of the abuser is not advised. A wise rav listens to each one separately to… Read more »
Thanks you for sharing the Rebbe’s letter on allegations for Divorce
The symptoms of BPD tend to be episodic and in cases of high functioning BPD, the symptom will typically be split, it wont manifest at all in public, and will be in full display behind closed doors. this makes their false allegations soo much more dificult for no-bpd specilists to detect. orginizations such as Ohel are doing a diservice to these False accusers who suffer from BPD, by denying them an evaluation by a BPD specilist. When confronted about thisthe need for a specilist in BPD to diagnose and recognize BPD, Ohel’s answer is, “they charge $1200. for an evaluation.… Read more »
My ex husband calls his abuse false allegations….
There are four common reasons why BPDs will try to end a marriage using false allegations 1. They became convinced that their partner wants to divorce them, so they strike first to get the upper hand. 2. They think that their spouses push for them to be mentally evaluated is not coming from a desire to help them and strengthen the marriage but from a desire to use her formal diagnoses as pretext to divorce her or make her look bad to others. (BPDs have been betrayed by those closest to them growing up so they live in perpetual suspicion… Read more »
To comment 1
Abuse is easy to diagnose .Especially by a professional.
You sound like an abuser yourself
In 2017 abuse is something Google can help you decipher.
Get your head out of the sand.
Help the victims ,not the abusers.
I know if one case where the husband kept begging his borderline wife to get help, they have a child and he very much wants to save their marriage for their child’s sake. Borderlines are notoriously defensevie about being outed as the sick one, and will therefore turn it around and would rather destroy the marriage and preemptively call herself the mothervictim in the marriage than to submit to the mental health evaluation her husband was begging her to discretely submit to for the sake of their child. Borderlines are narcissistic, in their desire to protect their ego, are willing… Read more »
When I was growing up and especially in my teenage years, this is how the fights went between my mother and I. “You are ugly, I hate you, no one will ever care about you! I wish you were never born! ” Notice the tone for a minute here and also the purpose of the words spoken. This is clearly abusive, the speakers only wish, IE my mother was to cause emotional pain, not solve a problem. I experienced something similar while on Shlichus from a Rabbi. The purpose was to take dominance by trying to make the other person… Read more »
Many husbands suffer from wives that are passive aggressive and also vise versa. This means that the abuser is using “ignoring” as a tool to get back at their spouse. This isnt just your typical case of ignoring, where it ends after a few hours or days. This type of ignoring can go on and on for weeks, months and years. It causes the victim to think they must keep appeasing their abuser but they can never actually appease their abuser. Its an endless cycle. The more they chase with love and affection, the more their abuser takes advantage of… Read more »
One of the trademarks of a Borderline is that they create situations to pull everyone else into the insane place that they live in all the time. This is why even a well meaning and learned rav or a licensed therapist is not up to recognizing or handling such a problem ( as well as other manipulative abusers ). We don’t complain when we are told by our doctor to go to a specialist in some area of physical health. We don’t expect our doctor to fill our cavities These are very tricky areas of mental health that require someone… Read more »
And when on advice of professional therapists in the field you record the incidents you are then labeled by the Borderline (who was now caught red-handed) as the abuser, since “See! he even records me without my knowledge!” And is completely blind to the issue at hand and only distorts the hijacks the *actual* topic at hand which is what SHE did to the relationship. So very typical. And painful. And if the therapist lacks experience with this kind of person then no progress is made as the therapist him/herself remains speechless and unable to help stand up to the… Read more »
Both men & women who have their own agenda when it comes to abuse – does it make sense that a wife or husband who has been married for 5, 10, or 15 years, with a house full of children, would break up a home FOR NO REASON ? I trust Rabbi Jacobson. He has counseled real people who are going thru real suffering and he is most definitely aware of borderline personality & is also most definitely aware of what the Rebbe said. I am sure he is not going to be lightweight in what he advices. The “good… Read more »
When I finally got my Get (after a long period of it being with-held from me)– ending my abusive marriage to a man who was unfortunately, also mentally ill — I said: “the mizbaiach is crying now — tears of joy…”
Your advice is an affront to every spouse living with a Borderline spouse. Easy for you to say and perhaps implement in your own marriage, but to expect this of others is insanity.
It is worse than living in a prison under the cruelest prison warden.
There is only one option and that is to get out and save yourself and more importantly, save your children! — of course with the guidance of Rabbonim and true professionals.
Especially when there are children involved it is the height of cruelty to preach turning the cheek at their expense.
When custody and divorce is involved, more than two thirds of all abuse and neglect allegations are exposed as without foundation and are usually a custody gimmick egged on by self serving attorneys who would hurt families and children just to “win”. False or Real Accusations of abuse indicate REAL ABUSE! How? if the women (typically) is charging allegations of abuse and is using it to keep the children from having a connection and access with their father, then there must be abuse here, either she is telling the truth, which means HE is the abuser, and must be kept… Read more »
in the famous sicha of ki teze where the Rebbe discusses the 3 opinions of bet shamai bet hillel and Rabbi Akiva when you are allowed to get divorced – the halacha is that “afila Hikdicha Tavshilo ” i.e. she is making life very miserabile for him ( in today’s modern lingo “ABUSE”then he is allowed to divorce her. Even then – the Rebbe says clearly that the mizbeach sheds tears for this divorce.. Before putting up a question mark Does the Mizbeach shed tears for ending an abusive marriage ???? PLEASE READ THE REBBE’S SICHA. FIRST. The Rebbe says… Read more »
אגרת קודש חלק: חי׳ דף: רכה RE When a women tries to use questionable allegations as a pretext for Divorce, See what the Rebbe wrote to get to the truth… here is what the Rebbe writes is a “Crucial Condition” תנאי עיקרי The Rebbe writes: “She should submit her contentions to a local Rav who adjudicates on a regular basis in this area. Understandably she should do this in the presence of her husband, so that the [investigating] Rav will be able to hear both sides of the story as related both by her and by her husband in each… Read more »
Thanks to Ohel and all the perks they employ to lure women in with. Any bitter or troubled woman who wants a face saving excuse to leave their boring marriage, Ohel literally incentivizes women to claim abuse especially if they are bored of their marriage or believe that they’re husband is planning to leave them anyways. According to public records, Ohel is a for profit organization, double dipping and tripple dipping, for each head that they take in to their Shelter under the guise of an abuse victim, Ohel gets to bill the city, as well as prinlvstebfoundstions dedicated to… Read more »
A growing number of specialists in Borderline are beginning to echo concerns with conversational mainstream approaches by Women advocacy clinics and DV shelters, since these organizations are often fused on a per head bases, case in point Ohel for example. This makes them biased towards lax intake protocols and vetting procedures and predisposes them to encourage dubious allegations along with the legitimate cases of genuine abuse. The growing number of false allegations actually hurts the credibility of the genuine victims! The BPD experts are demanding that rigorous intake screening be applied to more closely examine women those women who arrive… Read more »
I agree with comment 2, it is unfortunately all too common that the abuser who is a borderline due to years and years of childhood abuse of their own, they now grow up to become the abuser, since in their mind the there are only to roles, abuser and abusee, and since they don’t want to be abused, they are now driven to preemptively abuse, as they are paranoid that all who they are close with with sooner or later surely betray them and they therefore must strike first. BPD is one of the saddest personality disorders due to how… Read more »
When a women uses false allegations as a weapon to hurt her husband [to punish him for seeking to Divorce her] or more typically women will use false allegations as a means to get the upper hand socially and in family court. As a man who is now divorced from a BPD for three years I have learnt the hard way that the BPDs can appear perfectly normal to outsiders, no one would believe me what she becomes behind closed doors! the most common reasons why BPDs will file false allegations is [especially in the secular world] false allegations will… Read more »
1. My heart goes out to you! 2. Please for your own sake and for the sake of your family, read up on the subject of high functioning BPD! 3. The more you understand, the less anger you will feel, the more understanding and compassion you feel towards your bpd wife. instead of seeing her as a monster who is trying to destroy you and you children’s future, you will come to appreciate that she too is an innocent victim who is obviously suffering and living in fear and deserves your compassion! Dear fathers! if you want to do whats… Read more »
It’s very normal for people to have problems with anger, and for spouses to get into very heated arguments. I fear that Rabbi J might say things that could be interpreted as encouraging divorce for marriages that can be saved. It’s important not to mistake these regrettable but common conflicts for “emotional abuse” and destroy a family on the altar of “abuse is grounds for divorce” instead of following the path of Aharon of pursuing peace and resolution of conflicts. Also, the term “abuse” implies one side being super nasty and the other tolerating it submissively. But if they’re both… Read more »
To comment 1
Abuse is easy to diagnose .Especially by a professional.
You sound like an abuser yourself
In 2017 abuse is something Google can help you decipher.
Get your head out of the sand.
Help the victims ,not the abusers.
You said it all!
Thank you for posting a validating article on ending abusive marriages.
It is easy to call emotional and verbal abuse false allegations being that it is very hard to prove.
Beware of the Borderline Personality Disordered spouse who will weave a narrative that the REAL VICTIM is the abuser(!) This not only continuously adds salt to the wound of the abused, for not only did he and their children suffer for years and years, instead of apologies he continues to be maligned by the BPD to whomever will listen, including the children, and it’s this continued attack (which continues long after divorce) which pervades worse than a cancer CH”V. If this sounds familiar to anyone be smart and find a good therapist to help salvage some sanity so that whatever… Read more »
Would be really pertinent to hear someone tackle false allegations of abuse, numbers of needless divorces and the terrible effects of divorce on children when it’s nor one of these rare egregious cases (although much effort is made by many to paint every case as such).