N’shei Chabad Newsletter
There are some things we’d rather not hear. Either the matter is too sensitive, or it is not relevant to our daled amos.
Sometimes, however, we have to go out of our comfort zone and become informed, because awareness and information can prevent tragedy (r“l).
This is especially true when a dangerous situation can remain undetected due to lack of knowledge. By the time the problem becomes obvious, it
has advanced to a stage that is more difficult to rectify.
Consider the following:
A 12-year-old girl comes home from camp. “How was camp?” asks her mother.
“I enjoyed it, but my friend S. had to go home in the middle.”
“Why? Was she sick?”
“I’m not sure if she was sick, or if she just didn’t like the food. She didn’t want to eat anything.”
—
A young bochur has made a name for himself as a masmid, always learning, careful in mitzvos, yet quiet and humble. There are those who look up to him, and others who don’t. All, however, are shocked when he faints in the middle
of seder one day. Soon it becomes apparent that he has been fasting often…
—
Girls are enjoying a melaveh malkah together. One girl seems to like the potato chips. She’s been nibbling at them the whole evening. Suddenly, she looks at the empty bowl.
“Wow! Where’d all the chips go?”
She rushes out of the room. She comes back a bit later, pale and shaking. Two girls catch each other’s eyes with a knowing look. They’ve both guessed that their classmate ran out to purge herself of the food she at The shadchan puts down the phone with a sigh. “Why are people so unrealistic? Not only do they want the perfect girl, but they also want the perfect dress size!”
—
Woken in the middle of the night by strange noises, a father is astounded to find his son running up and down the staircase. “What are you doing?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d get some exercise. I need more muscle.”
—
The chocolate cake is missing from the freezer. So is the ice cream. Yesterday’s leftovers have vanished as well. Who could have eaten all that in one night? Whoever it was isn’t telling.
—
She is considered the top girl in school – best in academics, best in sports, sings like an angel, and is well liked by her schoolmates. She always dresses well and looks good. She seems confident, driven to succeed. When she misses week after week of class, the rumors abound. No one could guess that she is in the hospital, under the care of a psychiatrist who specializes in eating disorders.
—–
All of these are examples of the same insidious demon that we can no longer afford to ignore. Eating disorders are not a rarity in our community, but unfortunately can go unnoticed and untreated for a long time. This is especially true of anorexia and bulimia. In today’s society, when someone is overweight it is noticed and condemned straightaway, but being underweight is either not noticed at all, or admired! Even when the problem is recognized, it is likely to be misunderstood and mishandled. This is
especially unfortunate in the case of anorexia, as it can be a life-threatening condition. The danger is too great to ignore.
What can be done?
First and foremost is community awareness. People need to be educated to understand what eating disorders are, how to recognize a problem, and to realize that prevention is not so simple, nor is cure straightforward. “Hungry To Be Heard” is a compelling documentary put out by the Orthodox Union about eating disorders in the frum community.
Secondly, we need to know where to go for information and help. Professionals should be consulted as to how schools can encourage healthy attitudes that bolster both physical and mental health.
Thirdly, our own approach has to change. We have to stop measuring ourselves and each other by the “model family” measuring tape. There is no perfection in olam hazeh. People are afraid of acknowledging a problem
because it may affect shidduchim. Perhaps the result of not dealing with a problem will be, R”L, even worse for shidduchim.
Stop judging, criticizing, and gossiping. Let’s truly care for one another as our Rebbeim have begged us and let’s give the Eibershter nachas.
RESOURCES FOR EATING DISORDERS:
Jennifer Medina, MS, RD,CDE, CDN
Joy Bauer Nutrition
(212) 759-6999, ext. 25
New York, NY
Sorele Witkes,
therapist specializing in eating disorders
(718) 974-1372
sorelewitkes@gmail.com
She is availabe for both telephone and in-office consults
Phyllis Lifshitz, M.S., R.D.
Brooklyn, NY
(718) 377-1082
(718) 851-0737
Relief Agency Mental Health Referral Brooklyn, NY
(718) 431-9501
Eating Disorder Helpline:
Devorah Levinson (718) 431-9501
Long Island Jewish Medical Center (LIJ)
Adolescent Medicine
(EatingDisorder Unit)
Dr. Martin Fisher
New Hyde Park, NY
(516) 465-3270
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1) The eating disorder is a symptom of the emotional pain. The eating disorder CANNOT be cured if the emotional pain is not dealt with. 2) Hospitalization is not the solution. It may be required if the person’s life is in imminent danger, but it will not heal the struggler. 3) If one is hospitalized, they need a plan for “what will be different after” or they will fall right back into the pattern of not eating or binging/purging. 3) It’s normal for someone with ED to not be interested in marriage. The entire body is out of wack, so… Read more »
I hope no one labels people who have many food allergies as having ED!!!! Because in that case, i have major ED!!!
I highly recommend Family Based Therapy and two wonderful books – Help Your Teenager Beat an Eating Disorder and – Brave Girl Eating: A Family’s Struggle with Anorexia.
These are invaluabel resources for parents to help them understand how to help their children. They both are applicable to boys and/or girls.
Please don’t think this will go away by itself or that it is just a phase, get help!
Thank you
I apreciate that
thank you for bringing it up
I apologise if I offended anyone who suffering from an eating disorder. My intention was to make people aware that this condition can be manifest in many ways, and that there’s nothing wrong with seeking help. I also hoped to shift the attitude within the community- to create healthier, realistic attitudes in the way we view ourselves and each other.
It was really nice reading your answer…Thanks
I am really happy for you that you are at a point where you think this way..
I wish you lots of luck & Iy”h you will find the right one soon
and have a truly happy & healthy marriage
Hey! Maybe at this point you are not a hundred percent in the right frame of mind to get married and it’s important to take care of yourself before you jump into a marriage. Personally, I’m not married yet, but I’m sure I will, despite my past (and present recovery) with an ED and its not a concern. Why? It is soooooooo important to believe of yourself that you are not your ED, rather the ED is only a tiny part of who you are at present. It may even be there your whole life but it’s not YOU. When… Read more »
Thanks for your comment… If lets say i would want to get married, do you think anyone would want to marry a girl that had a eating disorder? Just wondering how it works…
Just read your post and what can I say? I hear you and feel you. I myself am a 25 yr old single girl who has spent the last ten years of my life in an internal (and eternal?) battle with food. Unfortunately, I’ve met many girls, dealt with counselors and specialists in NY and overseas, and although I agree with you that it’s not society’s fault, and that some of the scenarios are stereotypical, a lot of these scenarios are very real and it’s great for Col to be putting at least a small article out there (can we… Read more »
I would just like to say, that i have an eating disorder, and i read this article and all i was thinking was “wow…. they have no idea what we are like” Most of the factors that make a girl have an eating disorder is not shidduchim, its not all societies fault. People have eating disorders because they have emotional problems, because of depression and thats their way to cope with pain. Its not all because girls want to be skinny. yes obviously it becomes a obsession, but do you know that most girls with eating disorders are really smart… Read more »