By Chani Vogel
As a someone who has the privilege of being a shadchan for over 30 years (I made my first shidduch while in high school) I know that Hashem has very interesting ways of facilitating shidduchim. I have had the best inspirations and ideas in the funniest of places, ranging from the grocery store freezer looking at the chicken legs to seeing a bottle of shampoo and it reminded me of someone with “curly and shiny hair.”
I was approached by a delegation of Shadchanim from Williamsburg this week. They came with a bakasha nafshis, to ask me to facilitate shidduchim between their boys and our girls. They were quick to point out that just this year alone there were at least 4 Lubavitcher girls that married other chasidus boys. In the course of the conversation, it was brought up that there are many such couples living in Crown Heights already. They were very excited to hear that I was on board with this idea.
The interesting thing about shidduchim is that while we in Lubavitch have more single girls, in Satmar and most other chassidish communities, they have more single boys.
The shadchanim told me that they have many singles that have not yet found their bashert, and would be very interested in dating girls from Lubavitcher families. These singles range from very chassidish, to much more modern.
Obviously, the average Satmar bochur is not for the average Lubavitcher girl, but growing up, so many of my friends’ parents were from diverse chasidishe backgrounds, and it was a non-issue. It is irresponsible to say that this is for everyone. Of course, with the complexities of a relationship, it is easier to marry someone who grew up like-minded, but marrying someone of a different background can be a good option for someone who feels they need to expand their search.
So we have this brilliant idea, and we are ready to run with it. But my shoulders are not that wide that I can take this on myself without some guidance.
For that, I turned to the Rebbe. I found a few letters in the Igros Kodesh. In Chelek Chof Aleph, on page 194, “If among the Tmimim and Anash there truly is nothing suitable for her, there is also not too much of a difference in their ages, and your daughter is agreeable to this suggestion, then it would be advisable to bring this shidduch about. May Hashem lead all of you in the path that is best for your daughter, both materially and spiritually.”
In Chelek Yud Aleph page 96, “It is clear that he is correct, that he does not demand from those who offer a shidduch for her, a prior condition of matching the study of Hasidic doctrine, etc., because in our time it is Yiras Shmayim that ends up leading to walking in the Hasidic teachings and directives and in the course of time also to study Toras Hachassidus.”
These are just two examples of what the Rebbe says on this topic (click here to watch a video). There are more letters advocating for this idea, but I think the point was made.
There are so many singles out there in Lubavitch. If you are single, interested in getting married, and open to meeting a single person from another chassidus, I would be happy to help. The database is vast, and this initiative is brilliant.
Although I appreciate the place for parental involvement, I will be speaking with the singles directly. This is obviously only for singles who are mature and looking for this niche.
Please email me with a resume, and a blurb about yourself, letting me know about you, and a few lines about what you are looking for. We are living in Moshiach’s Tzeiten, so let’s make it happen!
I can be reached at ChanitheShadchan@gmail.com
As someone who has dabbled I’m shidduchim for a long time, I recall suggesting this to mother of a 27 year old girl and she thought I had fallen off the moon.
This is a fantastic idea and long overdue. We need to get out of our little box and allow our kids to find love and happiness.
That in general, it works better with the bochur a lubavitcher and the girl from a different branch m, but if this works out for anyone, that’s great
I’m not sure I fully comprehend the complexity of the argument . But in my honest and rational opinion, I think theirs plenty of single yungerleight and maidel for their to be only lubavitch type relationships/situationship. Keep it pg.
As brought up in a chassidic community – the chassidish from willy wouldnt agree with the chassidish from.c.h. same is vice versa. Modern – it depends. Divorced, widowed etc… perhaps… But Majority of chabad want chabad. You might get 10% who would look out side but most wouldnt. Your trying to open up the idea but I say look amongst our own. As a litvish shatchan told me when I asked her to red a shidduch for me with a specific bochur, she said “why do you need me when chabad is THE place and has the most shatchanim.” shatchanim… Read more »
The writer said clearly that this is not for everyone.
Yasher Koach for this excellent, well-written, and well-sourced article. I have been preaching this for years to anyone willing to listen.
This is brilliant!!!! Much Hatzlacha!!!
Agreed
Kol hakavod.
It’s about time
In previous generations this was not uncommon
Between different chassidishe communities
And /or between chassidim and non chassidim
Hashem should give much Hatzlocha in this important endeavour
I had a discussion about this with with some Satmars in a hospital a few years back. Can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I don’t think it’s something I would do, but definitely worth discussing.
My cousin is married to someone Chassidish and they are bh very happy and worked out their Minhagim. They facilitated 2 more Shidduchim with Lubavitcher girls and Chassidishe boys.
Kudos to you and every shadchonis that is trying to get our singles married
This is a nice idea which has worked for others and can work for many more.
However, there should be a clear note for anyone who does this:
Our community is culturally more open to the world (they way we view and interact with ours). We also see the roles of husband and wife more equality (think couples on Shlichus) than other chassidishe communities.
So I would proceed with an open mind and also with caution.
This was probably common years ago when there weren’t so many frum Jews in America. It worked then. Maybe it can work now. It probably would be good for someone who is interested in leaning into either more Satmar or more Lubavitch. Someone who is too connected to their own may have a harder time.
Hatzlacha!
Great idea!
Interesting!!! Let’s see how it plays out. I’m not so sure about this one way or the other but an open to see the miracles unfold
Even though I think conceptually this is a great idea, I just think people date within their own because there’s familiarity and comfort there. Think of minhagim, nusach etc etc..
For what it’s worth:
My parents got married in 1973. My father is a full fledged chabad chossid. My mother grew up in Williamsburg but was attracted to chabad chassidus. They are BH happily married. And yes my mom is chabad full fledged
But was your mother a member of a different chassidus or just lived in Williamsburg?
Husband is totally a different scenario than a Lubavitch girl and Chaseedish boy
By then it’s much more expected that girl takes on more of husband’s derech, they aren’t necessarily raised with as much of an identity (ie community, Minhagim etc)
But Chabad girls identify with it much more
Important to take this point into consideration
I think in reference to the above post that chabad girls are more involved in Chabad Chasidus, it makes mote sense for willi girls to marry Chabad boys but that wud not help their ‘Shidduch crisis” and actually make it worse
And respectfully. I like that you’re talking directly to the singles. It shows your understanding of their maturity, which some shadchanim don’t understand.
I am so happy someone spoke up. We need to leave our little box. This is not litchatchila but for older singles this is very needed!!!! Where did the values of building a Jewish and frum family go? People just won’t leave their box. I don’t get it.
You should never be in the situation of being single and wanting and trying to get married and whatever you did, your still single and then society and ppl like you say “why won’t ppl leave their box”. Let me shed some light, leave your box and don’t judge!
Exactly. Leave the box! No one is judging it’s coming from a pure place of wanting the older singles to get married. The only person it’s not fair for is themselves. It’s a pity and a shame.
The only person it’s not fair for is the single themselves who have to deal with society pressures and that Hashem didn’t bench them yet with the right one. It’s a pity and shame that you think the singles are the problem. Obviously you don’t know the situation and you should never. Unfortunately, ppl who are in it know and those who don’t get aren’t in it.
In other way of looking on it, marriage isnt an education change that two ppl r playing in- lets make you live according to my hashkafa, or let make her living under my hashkafa. Baruch Hashem in lubavitch itslef there are so many girls and boys with differant chassidishe levels, that isnt of jumping to other fields, its better to work on making differant chabad levels to married. At the end of the day, every chabad levels soneone is holding- the Rebbe is always in thier way- who less and who more, but he is still there. If someone us… Read more »
Omg! I’m so happy with these intentive! Growing up in a chabad community though with diverse family backgrounds it’s hard to relate to all the concepts and people.
Even though some people are saying it’s great for older shingles, I’m speaking on behalf of younger singles who find themselves in a space of diversity and aren’t finding their crowd in chabad although having grown up in a chabad community.
I think it’s foundational to marry someone who has similar values and priorities as you. And someone whose yiddishkeit is through the lens of chabad chassidus is entirely different than someone whose yiddishkeit is not. Both can be beautiful, but fundamentally different.
Why stack the odds against a couple.
Why are you prejudging this?
Let them meet each other and decide for themselves!
It’s a great idea for the right people.
Expand your horizons
There is so much opportunity!!
(Nice timing this weeks Parsha is about the first Shidduch)
Thai is a very good suggestion
In older times in Argentina it happened
Liltle competition for some Lubavitcher boys
As a bonna fide CH Single Girl I officially love this idea!!
Always loved chassedish way of life!!
(Iv been joking something along these lines with my mother for years)
I’ll be calling you soon!
🤍
When a girl or a bochur are over “thirty” and the same names keeps coming their way,I think it is time to be open to hearing names from other Chassidic groups. Marriage is always an adjustment. In these cases it may be more difficult. However, sometimes it can be a breath of fresh air,to hear new names. I do believe that there are Chassidishe girls growing up in Williamsburg, who want a husband who is a very serious learner, and who also want a deep thinker. Such girls would appreciate a very frum,learned Chassidishe Lubavitcher bochur. So it can work… Read more »
Might be a good idea for the ones interested,
just everyone should be :
Healthy and Well..
“They have a lot of boys”
But girls too no?
this perhaps between two very modern people. Realistically though, the hashkafa, just total mindset and even lifestyle are so different.
On a practical level, would love to hear from couples who speak from experience. What were some challenges you had to overcome and how did you deal with them?
Here’s to many happy matches in Klal Yisrael!
relay private info on public forums
We don’t have too many single girls we have too many single Chabad boys that are low income, unemployed and uneducated which made them less popular in the Shiduch Market. Uplift our boys, make a center where boys can have a quick education for a good parnosah – you will solve the Shiduch crisis … as there is no Shiduh crisis there is financial crisis of our boys and our girls prefer to be single but not marry a guy with no parnosah and no even a clue how to make money to afford a family. All boys that have… Read more »
There are already enough places in CH that offer such services. It could just be a cultural shift. All the married men I know have a job. Ppl usually just wait till they’re married.
If they want a good shiduch so they should do a self work its upon them.
Simply inaccurate. You have clueless 21 year olds who’ve never worked a day in their life rolling right out of semicha and into kolel. And perfectly capable 29 year olds with high paying jobs who simply haven’t found their bashert yet, because things work on Hashem’s schedule. The only shidduch crisis is a crisis of experience. How singles are judged unnecessarily harshly and not welcomed in the community, including harsh comments like this.
As an older single guy with a great job I can tell you that you are completely wrong, there are plenty of fully employed older singles make a very good parnossa
I’m happy to hear that there are older bohrim working decent jobs, but it’s unlikely that young educated Chabad girl with good parnosah will consider elder bohur due to age gap and will not consider a young guy due his lack of parnosah.
Why you are not considering your age or older girls?
We also have so many boys and their mothers that are beyond picky saying no to girls for the most ridiculous reasons and not even giving them a chance!!!
if someone is capable of being a husband and father they are capable of making important decisions without their mothers babying them. Mothers are way too controlling over their sons. They need to learn to let go, its ridiculous. How can a boy know a girl is right for him if his mother will not let him think for himself?
and how would someone find them
There are BTs who are older and girls who are older (think 35+) who still refuse to marry BTs! Maybe the problem is that we are discrimatory towards our people who keep Chabad minhagim and are fully integrated.
And I only want BT. Yet boys only want younger then them when I’m only slightly older. There is minhagim etc… but there is human nonsense as well…
Older single Baalei Teshuva is more religious than their FFB counterparts, which makes it hard to be on the same level. “Older single FFB & BT would rather have an okay-to-great divorced or widowed guy than a never-married guy (unless he is one of the top 20 older guys in Lubavitch). Women find the never-married guy weird (why is he still single in his 30s?).” per recent mixed Shabbos meal conscious. At the end of the day, the shidduch will happen for older singles when both the guys and girls are ready to have a relationship over being single. While… Read more »
Yes, everything comes from HASHEM, and if the bashert of a Lubavitcher girl is to marry a non-chabad boy, then who are we to question? Right? HOWEVER: the issues with this “solution” is 1. We are now saying to the boys and mothers of boys who are RIDICULOUSLY picky (and I mean RIDICULOUSLY-like has to be Barbie doll style pretty) that it is ok to have these beyond unrealistic expectations, because the girls can go somewhere else. No. That’s not ok. (And I’m actually speaking from experience l. Yes. I have chassidish relatives, and a few friends set me up… Read more »
a beard is something that is SO easy to start growing. if someone doesnt have a beard and the girl wants them to have a beard he can just GROW a beard. problem solved.
As someone who grew up Chabad
Before taking the big step, you must be in agreement about core values and what’s important to you like your relationship with the Rebbe, your children’s education, your loyalty to Israel, the hechshers you eat, the minhagim that are important to both of you and many more issues. You may think it’s not important but it makes a difference and eventually it can become sore topics. So, good idea but be prepared.
Although you’re saying that Satmar has more boys and Chabad has more girls. Let’s put (so to speak ) a”Satmar” boy with a Chabad girl. I believe that if it were the reverse, that a Chabad boy would do a Shidduch with a “Satmar” girl it would have more potential of working out. Reason being is that there are more things in common with ALL women and girls as in the holy endeavor in running a cozy home, bearing children and lovingly taking care of them. Women in Chabad learn a lot and would prefer the man in the house… Read more »
This is brilliant! I personally know a few couple like this – and they have beautiful happy marriages. We have a lot more similarities than differences, and remember you’re marrying a specific person with their own personality, and what you’re looking for could exist outside of CH! Mechoyil el choyil!
How about with Modern Orthdox ppl or light yeshivish ppl but such men don’t have beards. Would chabad girls marry someone without a beard?
Do regular Chabad girls actually have a thing for chassidish (heimish) guys or find them appealing in some way?
As a younger single guy, I’ve never really had any interest in girls from other frum circles – even the more modern ones.
instead of externals? a soul could incarnate into any and every type of frum judaism throughout their incarnations and what they are in this incarnation isn’t what they necessarily were in past incarnations.
Today was Chof Cheshvan, the birthday of the Rebbe Rashab who founded Tomchei Temimim. Whatever happened to the strong desire to marry a Tamim, someone educated in the Rebbe’s holy mosdos? This suggestion would never work for someone for whom the Rebbe and Chabad Chassidus is the mainstay of her life. Only someone for whom it’s a question of levush and superficial minhagim could marry someone from another group. In addition, to suggest older girls to marry other Chassidishe boys would automatically give them less than ideal boys, as they tend to marry even younger than Chabad. This suggestion would… Read more »
Those letters from the Rebbe indicate, to me, this is not a situation to create lechatchila. If I were a single Lubavitcher reading this article, male or female, I would be dismayed at the thought of our shadchanim going so far outfield to find ideas/suggestions. There are plenty of singles in our communities, and where the system ‘fails’ them (lack of suggestions, suitable suggestions, overly involved parents even when getting older etc), they’ve resorted to taking matters into their own hands, we’re seeing mingling in more social and mixed shabbos shuls (Engleson’s), new apps (Loop, JSwipe). They’re clearly there, and… Read more »
We know there is a serious Shidduch crisis among yeshiva type girls. In areas like lakewood you have seven girls for one boy. This idea of mixing yeshiva girls to Chassidic boys has been written up in various Jewish magazines. Marriage is very important. And if two good people marry despite different backgrounds it can work. You can have two people who have rotten characters and be of the same background and end up in divorce. Today the youth are at so many different levels that even within a one group there could be very religious,very materialistic,very modern,etc. Looking chassidish… Read more »
Too many Lubavitchers don’t know anything of what’s going on a small step outside of their own hashkafa. Outside of Lubavitch it’s most common (and sourced in halacha) that the wife will take on the husbands minhagim. A Chareidi friend wanted me to set him up with Lubavitchers but was then frustrated when he saw that many Lubavitch girls expected him to run a Lubavitch home. He’s BH happily married today to someone with a litvish background. With that said, I can think of at least 10 “mixed” marriages that are BH thriving Jewish homes. In 4 of them the… Read more »
Is completely different, you cannot compare
Especially with the girls.
I know this from up close
I think the matter.is between the two people involved. Some might sense a connection outside that “box”, some might not! I don’t feel like it’s for me, but I would never say never. Zay gezunt!
People who call themselves shadchanim should be willing to help anyone who calls them. Not pick and choose. There are plenty of our own singles who are being ignored or just only respond occasionally. Please help the family who reaches out to you. Or don’t announce yourself as a shadchan.
Then more singles would be married.
that the guy’s expectations are acceptable with the girl’s
is he expecting her to leave chabad and become his type of chassidishe? is she ok with that? be clear from the getgo.
I’m not quite sure this is always being left out, but the sefardic boys and girls are also something to look at. They already come with a precondition love for all things spiritual and they (in many cases) would love to be involved with the world of chassidus. As a Lubavitcher myself, I have seen countless times where a Lubavitcher boy or girl marry someone from the sefardic sect and are very happily married, and sending their children to Lubavitch schools. Not everything is for everyone, but the are many commonalities in hashkafa between the two. I wish people wouldn’t… Read more »
dont be with a lubavitch girl who is “settling” for you because you’re sefardic. find someone who isn’t “settling” for you but who loves you as you are and doesn’t think they are better than you.
Rebbe said labels are for shirts. so why should any male reject a girl just because she’s not the type he was born into
Similar to what someone said above, about how in Lubavitch homes, the roles of husband and wife are less rigid than Satmar.
But in addition, and in line with those concerns, I hope this bolsters the understanding for halachic prenups.
It’s already difficult enough to get a divorce in some more insular communities. But if a Lubavitch girl were to marry into a community and not have an “in” to get out if needed, it would be a literal nightmare.
Thank you for dealing directly with the singles. That’s how it should be.
I would only ever marry a hard core Lubavitcher!
I grew up in a Chabad home in Pittsburgh with parents baalei teshuva. Went to Lubavitcher schools from age 10 and up.
My shver is a Chernobiler chosid in BP and my shvigger’s family are Skulen. My wife had no connection to Lubavitch in her upbringing.
The uncles are Skulen, Bobov, Viznitz, Satmar, Vien.
We’re very happy!
(And my wife always ask if we can go to the Ohel)
Simcha Miller – Monsey
Not chassidish here (Ashkenazi BT married to a Sephardi), but have always been a big admirer of Chabad and grateful for all the chessed Chabadnikim have done for me and my family over the decades, and for one son in particular. True ahavas Yisroel. LOVE this article! It’s filled with sweetness. Just observing how the younger generation of different Chassidish groups have been developing in both the US and Eretz Yisrael, it definitely seems like for some, this could be a really good option. The writer clearly stated it’s not for everyone; it really depends, but for those open to… Read more »
There is the well-known saying of my father-in-law, the Rebbe, of blessed memory, that “Our ziburyos [‘mediocrity’] is better than their idiyos [‘best’].” Surely, then, our idiyos is better than their “idiyos shebi’idiyos [‘best of the best’].”
May it be G-d’s will that the uniting of “invei hagefen” with “invei hagefen” take place in a good and auspicious hour, and serve as an amply broad vessel to receive all manner of good.
(Igros Kodesh, Vol. III, p. 371)
If the girl is ready to give up her identity it could work, but that’s a big if. Essentially these shadchentehs are saying “We have boys in our community who [for reasons that need to be checked out] can’t seem to find a shidduch here. They’ll be happy to consider Lubavitcher girls who are ready to follow them back to wherever they [the boys] come from.” Notice that it’s almost never the other way round. ( Don’t tell me about the one shidduch you can think of where this didn’t happen, there’s always an exception to every rule.) “Their” boys… Read more »
Chabad is so much more than having different minhagim and saying chitas every day. You are talking about a completely different outlook of life that has to change in order for the shidduch to work.