How to Break Bad News to Kids

Take Off the Filter
By Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg, St. Louis Park, Minnesota

The entire Jewish nation is reeling from the tragedy that befell one of our precious children, a neshamah that was called back to Hashem in a way that we cannot even attempt to understand. Why he was chosen, why in that way, why now, why right before our eyes, in the midst of our homes? No one can say why this happened. No one can point accusing fingers of blame and profess to know exactly what led to such brutalities. No one is at fault here, aside from the predator himself. It is what Hashem Yisborach wanted, and our emunah teaches us that Hashem does only good and is always fair, as much as we are too nearsighted to always see His goodness.

There are many who will try and distill a lesson from these horrors, to paint over the tears and anguish with a meaningful message to last through the ages. That is not for us to do, but for our Gedolim, who have a better understanding of how Hashem runs the world that we cannot begin to comprehend. They, and only they, can recognize what message Hakadosh Baruch Hu is sending us through such a loud and public occurrence.

However, there is one crucial parenting concept that this brutal incident drags to the limelight. This is in no way to suggest that had the parents followed this concept, their son would have been spared; it is an idea that tangentially connects to the horrifying course of events, but does not dare lay an ounce of blame on anyone’s shoulders.

How often do you warn a child of a possible dangerous situation? Especially with younger children, your job as a parent is to protect your child from any imminently hurtful situation and prepare them with the tools to help themselves. Traditionally, this is done through dire warnings. “Don’t run into the street, or a car might run into you. Don’t touch the oven when it’s on, or you might get burned. Don’t stand too close to the curb, or a car could hit you. Don’t talk while you chew, or you could choke.” The list can go on forever.

When your children get older, the warnings leave the realm of physical harm (for the most part), and take on a much more serious tone. “Don’t go on the internet. Don’t read those books. Don’t be friends with that person. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t go to that pizza shop. Don’t let anyone touch you without your permission. Don’t wear that shirt. Don’t listen to that song. Don’t look at that magazine.” Have you noticed the difference? When it comes to topics that are more sensitive, but perhaps more important than pure physical harm, parents are often less forthcoming with their reasoning.

Too many times, parents will excuse themselves with a half-hearted, “Well, my child isn’t old enough to understand the reason, so why should I explain?” Parents themselves are uncomfortable with the stark reality of the world we live in, and want to shelter their children from the craziness that surrounds us. Unfortunately, this approach does absolutely nothing to help prepare your children for life, to help them climb their way through the confusion of being thinking, wondering, experimenting teenagers and young adults.

Take off the filter. Explain to them why you are setting these boundaries. Don’t be afraid to expose them to a little bit more than you think they know, in the name of their emotional, spiritual, and physical safety. Don’t just point out the dangers, but hand them the tools to overcome the traps that are lurking around every corner. They are stronger, wiser, and most likely more knowledgeable about the world than you think they are.

Don’t quickly change the subject when your daughter asks why her brother can walk alone, but she can’t, or why you hurry her along when a man smiles and says hello. A clear reason for your alarm when she says that her friend’s father laughs at all of her jokes will make more of an impression on her than anything else you can say. Yes, you may be dimming her bright innocence, but the reward of a more confident, careful young woman who is aware of the world around her is infinitely worth the price.

Telling a fifteen-year-old boy that the internet is treif and then leaving him to withstand his natural inclination will undoubtedly pique his curiosity and create somewhat of a “forbidden fruit,” which in many cases can lead to a serious trap. On the other hand, you might tell him that the internet will awaken his yetzer hara and will suck him in to a downward spiral, and then assure him unequivocally that you will always be there to help him if he trips. This frank discussion will arm him with the tools to help himself much more than any amount of “don’t do it…just trust me” will ever accomplish.

The same concept can be applied to any of the parenting hotspots that so often tie your tongue up in knots. How can you expect children or teenagers to be able to grapple with something so difficult and so dangerous, without giving them a more complete understanding of what it is that they are fighting?

Do not set down the law about books, magazines, music, or any other form of entertainment without having a straightforward, honest discussion about how chukas hagoyim can worm their way into a person’s heart, mind, and neshamah with no intent of leaving. Now, your child can understand why it is that she is not allowed to take out just any book from the library, or why you don’t let her hang out with the movie-going crowd. Discussions will lead to explanations, which will lead to comprehension, which will create a child who not only accepts your parenting, but is equipped to deal with the challenges that will come up in life.

Don’t be scared to bring up a subject that you wish would never enter your front doorstep. Talk to your children about anything and everything that comes up, anything that you feel might become a blinking red light in the future. If you just warn them, without any explanation, you are setting your children up for failure. Rationalize what you know to be truths in such a way that your children want to do this for themselves, not just because they have to. Change ultimatums to logical cause-and-effect situations that your children are able to predict, visualize, and conquer.

Of course, everything you do has to fit in with your hashkafos, your core values, and your family lifestyle. Consult with your rav, mechanech, mentor, or anyone whom you trust implicitly to help you pinpoint exactly what, where, when, why, and how you should educate you children about their role in keeping their lives on track.

With knowledge and preparation, you can raise children who see the traps, see their own shortcomings, and are still able to cross the bridges. Being proactive and addressing difficult situations before they become issues is the key to creating a reality in which your child is able to say, “No, thanks. I know why this is dangerous, and I know how to stay away from it. My parents told me.”