Give Less Love, Lecturer Says

By COLlive reporter

Do teens need more love in order to keep them on the right track? Not necessarily, said renowned speaker, teacher and author, Rabbi Shais Taub, at a special lecture at the Oholei Torah ballroom last Thursday.

The lecture, sponsored by the Crown Heights Jewish Community Council, was entitled Fostering Spiritual and Emotional Health in Your Teens.

Taub began his words with a statement that surprised many. “Whenever there is a breakdown in any relationship, the gut response is to do something more, but often the most intelligent response is to do less. There is actually an art to doing less.”

The “less is more” approach seemed to be the recurring theme of Taub’s talk in which he argued that more important than love in a relationship is a sense of respectful boundaries.

In his trademark style of bringing deep intellectual concepts from chasidus down into psychological language, Taub explained how every relationship must have two main emotions, love and respect.

“Love and respect are opposites,” Taub explained. “Love is what I do for you. Respect is what I don’t do because of you.” At another point, he further elaborated on this theme by saying, “Love is going out of my way for you. Respect is getting out of the way for you.”

“Chasidus speaks about the unavoidably selfish nature of love,” said Taub. “Even on the highest level, there is always the ‘yesh mi she’oheiv,’ so ahavah, which means giving, always has some trace of self. Yirah, on the other hand, which means backing off, is bitul. That’s why there is only one kind of giving that is a form of respect, and thus truly selfless. It’s when you give someone space.”

REBBE’S ADVICE

At some points it seemed that Taub’s radical way of phrasing his message could be interpreted as a prescription for apathy, but Taub clarified, “We care deeply, and so we cry and we say a kapital Tehilim, we daven, we write to the Rebbe. But caring is not a license to play G-d. We have to respect older children enough to let them make choices. Remember, Hashem has no grandchildren. Our children will find their way.”

Taub bolstered his point by telling stories of how the Rebbe was able to help different people by giving them space to grow on their own.

A particularly moving story was told about an observant man whose son went off to college and became irreligious. The Rebbe advised the man not to speak about Yiddishkeit with his son and that eventually, if given space, he would come back on his own.

“There is no one in this community who does not know about the Rebbe’s incredible love for every Jew,” said Taub, “But I think what’s missing is the awareness of the Rebbe’s incredible respect for every Jew.”

NEW DIRECTOR

After the presentation, Taub stayed to speak one-on-one with many individuals, some of whom had come from other neighborhoods such as Williamsburg and Flatbush.

One woman, a fan of Taub’s bestselling book G-d of Our Understanding, said that she came to the event because she appreciates Taub’s ability to give clarity to issues that seem complicated.

“My favorite thing he said tonight is a line that I think I will have to meditate on. He said, when you feel the instinct to manipulate or control someone else’s behavior, tell yourself, ‘Don’t just do something! Sit there!’ It’s counterintuitive but it’s true and it works. For sure the other way doesn’t work.'”

The emcee for the evening was Rabbi Levke Kaplan, new director of the CHJJC youth program.