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Dear AFAF,
I come from a very large, warm, and loving family, baruch Hashem. We live spread out all over the US and Canada, and we don’t see each other very often. When our families do get together for Kinus or simchas, there is an uncomfortable dilemma that often arises: is it acceptable to make a siblings-only get-together? We have a siblings-only WhatsApp group, which we feel is needed for some sensitive conversations (like shidduchim for siblings).
I know that some of the sisters-in-law have mentioned that they feel left out etc., although not outright hurt by being excluded from that group… So if the WhatsApp group is tolerated, albeit not loved, do you think an in-person sibling-only reunion while the spouses are in town is crossing the line? Thank you!
Trying to be sensitive
~
Dear Trying,
Good for you for taking the initiative and for your sensitivity in bringing up this question. Often, in sticky situations like this which involve many others, people will leave things at status quo to avoid making waves, sometimes even when others may be hurt in the process. It takes courage to take responsibility for your part in this dynamic, ask for advice, and do what you can to ensure that the feelings of others are respected.
Defining the Issue
Siblings share a special bond that comes from growing up together, including shared memories, a similar outlook, personality traits, or a common temperament.
The bond of marriage, while it begins later in life, is extremely precious and important, and comes along with a strong commitment of love and respect for each other.
These are two relationships that need to be balanced in this scenario: on the one hand, we feel a loyalty to our siblings who were the first close relationships in our lives, and on the other hand, we (and our siblings) now have a new commitment to our respective spouses, one which also takes precedence over all other relationships in our lives.
Analyzing the Situation
Therefore, the first factor that needs to be considered in this scenario is the possibility that a siblings-only get-together, excluding in-laws — and perhaps it is more appropriate to refer to them as spouses — may have an impact on marriage relationships in the family. This possibility differs in every family and at different times; for example, a newlywed couple is likely to have a more delicate relationship with each other than an older couple who has years of connection to support it. If there’s a family history of competition or in-law friction, this will serve to rub it in. In any of those cases, it may be unwise and even damaging to hold such a get-together, as the potential risks outweigh the benefits.
Another aspect to think about is the family culture and dynamics in general, and more specifically:
Will there be one or more other family gatherings at this time that include in-laws? Are in-laws in general respected and included in family conversations and get-togethers?
If that is the case, chances are higher that spouses will be secure and comfortable enough not to feel threatened by being excluded at this one event. If not, it is probably not a risk worth taking.
Remember that as close and as precious as sibling relationships are, they should not come before the shalom bayis between a husband and wife.
One Last Thought
Now, in case it is determined that it’s acceptable to go ahead under your specific circumstances, there are a few other details to work out first: What are the in-laws expected to be doing at the time of this hypothetical gathering? Are they going to be left watching all the kids alone without help, causing them to resent the situation even more? Is there somewhere comfortable for them to hang out at that time? Considering their situation and feelings at this time would also contribute to making it all possible without any hard feelings.
Especially since you already have a WhatsApp group where it is possible to discuss almost anything in private, the sensitive choice may well be to avoid the potential strife caused by an exclusive in-person gathering. As close and dear as our siblings are to us, our priority lies with our spouses, the peace between us and them, and the new families that they are building together.
Wishing you much success in raising your family in a spirit of love, joy, and peace, which it seems you are well on your way to doing by your very example.
All the best,
Chaya
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