Press release from Adai Ad Institute:
The Adai Ad Institute, co-founded by Moshe and Faigie Rubashkin and Devora Krasnianski, was established to provide programming and education to strengthen marriages and ease the Shidduchim process.
They listen to really understand the concerns of those involved in shiduchim and address the underlying issues, through education, awareness and advocacy.
Beginning with its signature ‘First Points’ course, the Adai Ad Institute continues to grow with more workshops and other Shidduchim and marriage related services in the future.
As they hear about more issues related to marriages, Adai Ad works to address those too. Unfortunately Domestic Abuse is a problem in our community too. And education and awareness can prevent some cases.
This past month they presented a workshop for single and young married women about Recognizing the Behaviors and Attitudes of Controlling Men – and what you can do to deter them.
In that workshop, Mrs. Devorah Levin, LMHC described the profile and some of the tactics of abusive men and spoke of the secret terror, distress, and confusion of wives who live with a man who controls, manipulates or abuses them. She explained various warning signals of potentially controlling relationships that may surface during the dating process or early in marriage.
An event special for bochurim and young married men will take place on Sunday, February 10 (30 Shevat) at 8:00 PM, on recognizing potentially controlling behaviors an attitudes during dating and early marriage.
Dovid Kohn, LCSW, CASAC will present a similar workshop for men about Recognizing potentially controlling behaviors and attitudes during dating and early marriage.
Kohn, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Addictions Counselor, is a Clinical Supervisor at The Safe Foundation, Inc.
Domestic Abuse, whether emotional, physical or otherwise, is unfortunately a reality for men as well. The abuse can take many forms of power and control, including using intimidation, isolation, threats, coercion, putting the other spouse down, and other violence which can make them feel petrified in their own home. And of course, this negatively affects the children too.
Sometimes, the warning signs are there at the very beginning, but they are not understood or they are minimized or ignored or excused. They may even be read as care and concern which masks the underlying problematic understandings of a healthy marriage.
Education and awareness of these behaviors and attitudes which sometimes can be detected early is an important tool for daters.
Rabbi Levi Garelik, a posek in Crown Heights who deals with unfortunately troubled marriages, strongly encourages young men to learn about the devastation of domestic abuse and how to prevent it.
This event will be held at the Rubashkin residence at 1349 President Street. This session is relevant to bochurim, young married men and those who want to learn more so that they can be a support to someone who is in this situation. Suggested donation $5.
To find out more, visit adaiad.org
Yes, these should be on line and then Every parent should make sure their child watches before the first date. Every shadchan should make sure every client watches before the first date. And every person who is dating should be able to “break off” dating with no pressure to continue if any danger signs are detected. If that is on the first date, fine, if while engaged, well as you can see from the above, better a broken engagement than a divorce. And if after a wedding? Umm…do any of you know what it is like to be in an… Read more »
# 13 and 34:
You don’t let your husband go?
Is he so obedient to you?
Why?
Please tell me your secret, is it punishment or he loves you so much he bends to your demands?
You must be quite a woman to have such a meek husband.
You’re wrong – repetitious belittlement, insults, cursing, threats, screaming, raging and denigrating behavior IS abuse, emotional and psychological – verbal…are you of the mindset that defines abuse by asking, “but does he actually hit you?” Is that the only criteria for defining an abusive person? Insisting that the “fear factor” is what defines abuse is naive and simplistic – the behavior itself is abusive and not determined by whether or not the victim is cowering in fear! Are you therefore suggesting that unless someone is living in fear and dread then it isn’t abuse??? How convenient for the perpetrator –… Read more »
the women that are abusive to their husbands . feel inadequate and have self-loathing, it stems from their childhood. they have a lack of normal decency toward their husbands feelings. no matter how much their husband does for them, they will always find fault and criticize. they will scream at him in front of the children. you walk on egg shells around them. never know what when they`ll attack next.They want to wear you down so they can control you and they also feel better about themselves. there is verbal abuse, silent treatment and punishing. t he world revolves around… Read more »
the men that are abusive to their wives . feel inadequate and have self-loathing, it stems from their childhood. they have a lack of empathy toward their wifes feelings. no matter how much their wife does for them, they will always find fault and criticize. they will scream at her in front of the children. you walk on egg shells around them. never know what will tick them off.They want to wear you down so they can control you and they also feel better about themselves. there is verbal abuse, silent treatment and punishing. t he world revolves around their… Read more »
Yes, there abuse and there is no excuse for it, but remember that some of these spouses are very sick and need medical help. There is a very good book called ‘I hate you, don’t leave me’ about people with borderline personality disorder. They seem perfectly fine and functional to the outside world and are monsters at home. No one would believe it. The author warns the other spouse to collect evidence since these types of people will file false police reports etc.. and they WILL be believed. They are very convincing and capable.
These people are joking and making light of a difficult subject. Sometimes you just have to smile a bit more.
A misconception regarding abuse has existed for a long time. 20 years ago it was child abuse. Any force/restraint used upon children, whether for discipline or not was/is termed “child abuse” and the offender, or the target for revenge, can be arrested by police and charged with abuse. Perspective is needed. There exists a distinction between true abuse and abusive actions. Every person man woman and child has did/does express abusive behavior occasionally. One a person is pushed to the edge of his discomfort he/she may lash back with sharp words, threats or even physical violence. All these fall into… Read more »
For those of us who cannot attend in person. Please post these talks where they can be listened to. After fianally leaving a very bad marriage, I am now dating. I am experiencing some very confusing things in this relationship as well, along with the good. I would like to know the signs, for some of us it is very hard to distinguish if we have never had healthy role models or experiences. But I now more than ever caution is at the forefront when there are children involved who need to be protected. So please post these talks for… Read more »
34 is joking, take it easy.
Also, I don’t think every time someone shouts at their spouse they are being abusive.
An abusive husband/spouse, is one who yells and shouts at his wife, puts her down for no good reason, at any time, any place, as well as infront of the children. An abusive husband is one, which his wife has fear to talk with him and converse about any nessasery topics, and fearful of what his reaction might be, whether it be verbal or emotional. Such a kind of husband will never want to except the fact that he is abusive, and brushes it off when he is told so, never feels the need to opoligize nor has any remorse… Read more »
These courses are needed as there is a crown heights man running around saying his wife abuses him and must be forced to go back to him. And this community believes him!!!!! Some people honestly believe wives are possessions that are owned by their husbands.
thia article l’d found in the jewish press by dr miriam adahan,friday,oct 12,12 page f3 when we first marries,l’d throught he had some nutty things,but let it pass,basicly he just wasn’t there,being a b.t,no family,loneiness just was overwheming,l throught that was the way it was suppose to be,it was hard,’cause means a lot to me,it’s now 30 years,and l just call this home a tradgy,l did call dr,adahan,she didn’t get back to me yet,there’s no simcha here,l had suggested reb mendel marozov to my husband,’cause l can’t get through for intutitive counceling,he calls me bully and frankly if l didn’t… Read more »
Men, who when single, like to deride basically good, refined women and laugh about them with their friends will end up wearing down their wives spirits with disrespect- it’s a must. As for women, I have lived in Crown Heights for many years, sharing apartments with other girls. After my friends got married a new era started where I had to have strangers for roommates. Some turned out to be gifts from heaven, others made my life such misery that less than a year ago I literally fled from my apartment and decided to live on the basic necessities to… Read more »
The man may have a legitimate complaint.. or not. Your comment was insightful.
It’s probably necessary for other people, you sound like a controlling person.
My ex-wife was amazingly controlling and abusive. In so many ways, it’s hard to begin describing it. Thank G-d, I put my foot down, and we divorced. Now I’m happily remarried, almost 3 years, to the most amazing woman. 🙂
Funny – I dont have this issue therefore I wont LET him go.
i.e. I have this issue and am very controlling
“U would never let him go” doesn’t that sound controlling to u?
its unfortunate, the guy does everything she asks because she threatens to take the kids
I don’t think this is necessary. I have a very healthy relationship with my husband. I would never let him go to something like this… EVER!!!!!!!!!
what took the community so long?
but in all seriousness these courses and these people are simply amazing!!! instead of sitting down and complaining or pointing out the negative, they decided to take the initiative and try and dress some of the problems in any way they can. I can’t say KOL HAKAVOD with big enough capital letters to adequately express how amazing i think adei ad is. I just wish they would post some videos to their site, or maybe some speech transcripts, or offer online classes for those who are out of towners such as myself. I would even pay a small fee or… Read more »
Shouting at a spouse is a big sign of disrespect – and often control. Control happens when the “victim” is scared to do anything wrong or he/she will get shouted at – or “victim” spouse is scared to disagree because he/she will get ridiculed – which is abuse,
A women needs to respect her husbands role as a man who needs to support the family. If she watches TV and then sees woman having extra curricular activities and careers and… that can easily lead to abuse. A Lubavitch family with 6-10 children can’t afford to have the woman have a weekly art, craft, dance class and expect the husband to come home early from work so she can materialize her dream career and hobbies… That leads to the husband not being equipped with ability to bring proper parnassa… and then she complains that he’s good for nothing. A… Read more »
I have been a victim of abuse from a female in a marriage believe me the more you open your eyes you will see how many abusive woman their are that will claim they are being abused by their husband. nebach to all that are stuck in their marrige and i support you to GET OUT!! it will NEVER change
Go Devorie. You are truly amazing.
I too spent years in a very unhealthy relationship – abusive, controlling, demeaning, but not physically, for the most part; I was married to someone who knows how to maintain the “good guy” act in public and to his friends. Unfortunately, as hard as it is to try to make such a marriage work (and it cannot in the long run without a loss of dignity, peace and self-esteem) because of misguided beliefs, when you finally reach the point where divorce is no longer an option, but a necessity, it is almost as hard getting out of the marriage as… Read more »
You are the best. Believing in it since day one!
#4, abuse is criminal, in all forms and i empathize, having experienced it myself. But the labels you use to describe your wife and to which you attribute blame speak volumes and raise a huge red flag about YOU. “ultra feministic” and “liberated” and “career woman instead of housewife” -WOW, that kind of derogatory stereotyping brings into question whether or not you are the victim of abuse, or a very domineering disrespectful man – NONE of these terms apply to your claims of abuse. Is it abuse you are experiencing, or merely that you don’t think your spouse is compliant… Read more »
Adai Ad is the best!
#15. Please get help. There are plenty of places (outside ch) that you can go to. There is no reason you have to suffer.
#4, if she is abusive, it’s a crime – and i know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of abuse. BUT, you use a lot of derogatory labels – “ultra feministic” and “liberated”, “career woman (like it’s a dirty word)instead of housewife”? – ever hear of the work homemaker – she’s married to you, not the house! ? You need to change your attitude about women – when you use these kind of insulting labels, it makes one wonder if it’s really your wife who is abusive or your domineering mindset at play. What exactly are… Read more »
Controlling men are simply “frum” men being mikayiem the Mitzvah Asei of “Vehu Yimshoil Boch” 🙂 🙂
I’ve heard similar numbers, but that’s saying 1 of every 5 marriages has abuse. Sounds too high, like #3 said, “abuse” is an abused word. I trust the speakers will not be frightening new couples, where they spend the first months of marriage wondering if their spouse is a monster.
Read the article before commenting.
Although in most cases the problem is on the man side, there more then few case when in its with the women.
It has been known for at least 30 years that domestic violence is equally prevalent in both sexes. Women abuse and beat their men about as often as men do women, and women kill their men *more* often than the other way around. And yet few people seem to care about it; there are many help lines and shelters for women and almost none for men, and while wife-beating evokes horror husband-beating is usually seen as funny. Comment #1 is evidence of that.
LOL..WHAT ABOUT CONTROLLING MEN!?
I felt so confused in the beginning of my marriage, when the physical, emotional, and verbal abuse began. I was afraid to tell anyone. This is long overdue! Thankfully after years of being in an abusive marriage,I got out. I and my children went through therapy to heal from the abuse we suffered.
People need to wake up! This is a real problem. It’s about time the community is starting to take steps to stand up to this type of abuse. Education is the key. Wish I had known more before I got married!
20% of homes? Maybe 50%? My family, my friends, my neighbors are all jealous of my marriage. So it appears. My husband is an amazing actor. I live with a selfish,abusive, dominating, manipulating,controling husband, who puts me down,every moment that he could. Noone would imagine. I fake it, and hide it so that my children can have a happy, secure, and protected enviroment. Usually it’s the men who act like animals. Ocasionally it’s a woman.
Hatslacha Rabba on this long overdue work.
Could a video be posted please?
There is absolutely NO WAY I am letting my husband go to this event!!!!
p.s.
thank you # 2 “exactly”
it is an idealogical mindset of americans, (universal at large) concerning Domestic Abuse, the man is targeted. Obviously, the male, the more muscular, the powerful one, the one that protects the family from harm, is the one that may at times be at fault,,,,, HOWEVER, no qualms about it, when you speak of psychological, emotional pain, hurt, abuse, the woman is looked at, there is the understanding from the female part, that she can play around with the emotions of a man, much worse then any kind of physical abuse that a man can cause. I say this for the… Read more »
#2 Including Ghezher homes
The more understanding of these things we have before marriage, the more we can hopefully prevent the trauma of toxic marriages and divorces.
Can They Broadcast Live So People Who Dont Live In Ny Will Be Able To Participate
I hope these include role-playing potential situations that take place in a marriage and journal keeping or note-taking. Sitting and listening goes in one ear and out the other. most people don’t know how to generalize the information and incorporate skills into real life unless they are trained versus talked to.
Is a recording of Devorah Levin’s talk available?
Thank you Adai Ad for addressing the relevant issues and providing helpful tools to curb them. Adai Ad is really stepping up to the plate and providing skills and knowledge to young adults like me and empowering us.
I took the First Points course and the presenter and the course were very informative and helpful, and everyone was sensitive and caring.
Thank you Adai Ad,
A First Points Alumna
I am a male and married to an ultra feministic abusive wife. She’s controlling, demeaning and manipulative. Often I feel worthless despite my efforts to be a good father/spouse. These types of women exist. As much as you wish to make as if abuse is only male to female, you are wrong. Especially in 2013, where women were “liberated” and they are no longer house wives but career women, and their only liability is physical strength. In Psychological realms, they can be equally as capable of abuse as a man and perhaps more. And they even have the luxury of… Read more »
Actually, cool.
I wonder if there will be a third session in which someone can point out how a controlling spouse sets off a chain reaction with the other spouse using counter-controlling behaviour, setting off a circular destructive force, not unlike the spiral of a toilet bown flush, and down the drain the potential for meaningful relationship goes.
Abuse is an abused word. But certainly the lack of respect for the other spouse has offender and victim on both sides of the gender table.
20% of homes experience domestic abuse. This includes physical, verbal and psychological. Education of both men and women is the only way to combat this problem.
Seriously?