Beyond Chosson, Kallah Classes

By COLlive staff

In his new book “Getting Closer—Understanding and Treating and Issues in Marital Intimacy: A Guide for Orthodox Couples”, Rabbi Daniel Schonbuch, MA, tackles a topic rarely addressed in the Orthodox world of publishing.

Dealing with intimacy dysfunctions challenging married couples, the marriage and family therapist practicing in New York says he utilizes his training as a marriage therapist in Emotionally Focused Therapy “to help frum couples who may be suffering in shame or isolation.”

Some of the major issues plaguing marriages discussed in the book include: Internet Addiction, overcoming childhood abuse, desire disorders, depression and anxiety, pregnancy, postpartum depression, infertility, unconsummated marriages and women’s and men’s physical issues.

Geared to newly married and long-time couples as well as professionals dealing with married couples, the book uses stories to focus on the emotions a couple is feeling when they’re quarreling and how they can work together towards healing.

The book was edited by Dr. Heather Appelbaum, Associate Professor, Obstetrics, Gynecology and Reproductive Medicine, Hofstra NorthShore LIJ University School of Medicine and is endorsed by Rabbi Tzvi Hersh Weinreb, Ph.D., Executive Vice President, Emeritus at the Orthodox Union.

“Apparent on every page is Rabbi Schonbuch’s sensitivity to the special role that intimacy plays in our religious tradition,” Weinreb says. “He discusses various aspects of dysfunction in a frank and very helpful manner, providing a resource to individuals and couples who are struggling with a variety of problems, many of which are very common.”

70 YEAR OLD THEORY

Beginning his career counseling parents on how to deal with teens at risk and then advancing as a marriage counselor, Rabbi Schonbuch published two books covering these topics.

His first book, “At Risk – Never Beyond Reach,” deals with struggling teenagers and in his subsequent book, “First Aid for Jewish Marriages,” he discusses proper communication for couples.

He found that many couples he was counseling suffered in silence with issues in intimacy. It’s for this reason that he spent the past year writing his latest book, which focuses primarily on problems in intimacy and is divided into three sections: “Emotions, Desire, and Intimacy,” “Guide to Dysfunction” and “Finding Solutions.”

His goal is for the book to help frum couples in therapy and also for those who have not yet sought help. The book can function as “reading therapy,” where Schonbuch can offer it to couples to read, reduce their discomfort on the topic and allow them to further discuss these issues between themselves or in therapy.

Schonbuch bases his book on “Attachment Theory,” developed 70 years ago by psychiatrist John Bowlby that psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson later used to form “Emotionally Focused Therapy,” which essentially emphasizes the emotions couples experience based on their level of attachment to their spouse.

Bowlby taught that adults need attachment from one another and it’s our initial attachment to our parents that become imprinted on us so that when we become adults we experience similar attachments to our spouse as we did to our mother and father growing up. Johnson applied Bowlby’s theories to marriage therapy, adding an emotional component.

According to Johnson, by understanding “attachment” we can understand what a couple’s arguing about – usually their attachment needs that are unmet.

“It’s a revolution,” Schonbuch says about Johnson’s work. “When you see a couple through the lens of Attachment Theory it’s an emotional GPS to interpret what they’re really fighting about and how to guide them towards greater attachment to each other.”

3 TYPES OF COUPLES

Forming the thesis of Schonbuch’s book are the three types of attachment styles according to Bowlby: Secure, Anxious and Avoidant Attachments. Included in the book is a questionnaire designed to measure the reader’s attachment style that has been modified for the Orthodox community.

Secure styles are usually adults who saw their parents as a secure base and safe haven and felt they can turn towards them in danger or fear. Mothers who are responsive to their child’s needs, provide physical and emotional closeness, warmth, affection and validate what the child is experiencing will usually ensure secure attachment in their child well into adulthood and they will enjoy secure relationships.

Anxious types, in contrast, are often those whose parents were preoccupied with their own worries and fears and didn’t always focus on the child’s needs. According to Bowlby, the child is unsure of the mother’s love and later adopts the same style with a spouse by doubting whether he or she is loved in the marriage and often finds triggers to worry about it.

The Avoidant type, the most extreme of the three styles, is when the mother is cold, distant or abusive and the child never felt his or her needs were met. As adults, they become shut down, withdraw from closeness and are not comfortable with intimacy.

Schonbuch says although these styles are not set in stone and can change through trauma or good experiences it’s a general pathway “to help couples have a corrective attachment experience with each other in therapy.” Most couples, he says, are the Avoidant/ Anxious types, with one person pursuing in the relationship and the other withdrawing, which appears like a dance between them but leaves the couple detached.

He also helps singles seeking marriage with this approach in therapy. Sometimes after years of searching for the right person, Schonbuch helps “avoidant” personalities realize that they too often find faults in the other person they’re dating as a defense mechanism against closeness.

Schonbuch also brings rabbinical sources stressing the importance of unity, intimacy and attachment in marriage, which includes closeness, respect and emotional connection.

To purchase the book or to read a free preview, visit www.JewishMarriageSupport.com