It’s Time to Change the Narrative on Being Single

By Chana Rahmani

I don’t believe in the Shidduch Crisis. My honest opinion is that Hashem is constantly creating the world. All that happens in our lives is a direct flow of Hashem’s love and a manifestation of the purpose of creation. The fact that more people are getting married at an older age now than in years past is not a crisis; it is how Hashem is creating things to be.

That being said, there is a different crisis going on that has less to do with reality and more to do with what we believe the reality says about ourselves.

Our community has a widespread and often subconscious belief that true and valuable life begins the moment a person gets married. Although there may be no intent to send this message, it is time to start addressing that it is a sentiment being expressed and, worse, believed.

Waiting for something you feel you need and not knowing when you are going to get it is painful. And being single in a community with a core value of family life is hard. Although I don’t know how to completely alleviate the pain of this time, a large part of the pain is credited to what we believe being in this stage of life means about ourselves and our lives.

The real Shidduch crisis is not the age at which people are getting married but the belief that until one gets married, their life is even remotely less precious, valuable, worthy and purposeful than it would be if they were already married.

It is a crisis that leads to people feeling shame about showing up to a simcha alone, despair about spending shabbos without a spouse, self-pity about being someone “still single,” and feeling like until they are married, their life does not have purpose, value or worth.

As Chassidim who are charged with the mission of revealing Moshiach in the world around us, as well as in ourselves, it is our duty to face the narratives, both internal and external, that undermine the essential value, worthiness and G-dliness of our lives, and reveal the deeper truth, the G-dly truth.

Marriage is G-dly, but it is not G-d

There is a reason our community puts so much emphasis on marriage. The marriage between man and woman reflects the marriage that is constantly happening between G-d and His people, and it is the channel through which we reveal infinity in this world. Marriage is one of the most awesome things ever and raising Hashem’s children is one of the most miraculous and delicious experiences. Our souls want it so badly for a very good reason.

And yet, in the holy effort to teach the beauty and significance of marriage, we often erroneously send and receive the message that once a person is of marriageable age, moments without marriage lack the holiness and value that marriage provides.

We have taken something that is so holy and G-dly, and are subconsciously using it as a replacement for G-d.

Marriage is holy and good, and I bless everyone reading this that their true partner should appear before they even finish reading this sentence, and yet, marriage is not G-d. There is only One G-d. And the One true G-d who is the one creating a world where we desire marriage, is the same G-d Who is creating every not-yet-married person, right now.

We must start to notice if we are holding internal stories where we are idolizing marriage as the thing that will give us worth, purpose, and true life, instead of serving the One G-d who tells us that our lives have essential worth simply because He is creating us.

The holiness in marriage and raising children does not cause the moments before that experience to be any less valuable and holy.

How do I know? Because Ain Od Milvado does not have exceptions.

Ain Od Milvado Does Not Have Exceptions

As people who learn Chassidus, we all know the truth: Ain Od Milvado. There is not only One G-d, but all of reality is absolutely and completely united with Him. Every moment is no less than the loving breath of Hashem breathing reality into being.

The challenge is not only to recognize the truth of Ain Od Milvado, but to have the courage to notice the spaces in our lives that we have decided it doesn’t apply to, and then apply it there as well.

To believe that we need to wait for our life circumstances to change in order for us to be fully alive and fulfilling our divine purpose is antithetical to the unity of Hashem. This moment is as one with G-d as the moment when we receive the thing we are waiting for.

When we internalize this truth, we notice that our lives as they are manifesting right now are the biggest reason to celebrate.

Your life will not start when you get married. Your life will start the moment you decide to be present within it and you will forever feel as alive as you choose to believe that you are.

Your life is not random. It is not the result of some “system” working in some way or there being something wrong with you or the world.

There is nothing shameful about being in the exact stage of life that you are in. Your story is not the antagonist of your life. You don’t need to quickly get over this to be ok.

G-d is One, and G-d is good and the Oneness of G-d includes the you who is not married right now. The exact details of your life is Hashem flowing your soul’s purpose towards you in this exact moment.

Hashem is here. Hashem is there. Hashem is truly everywhere, including all these single moments.

So Should I Stop Desiring Marriage?

Please, do not misunderstand my words: This is not a plea to give up on getting married! On the contrary, waiting is an essential part of Hashem’s world and reflects our soul’s desire to fulfill our mission in this world. The Torah is filled with countless stories of people journeying, praying and waiting; waiting for children, spouses, and redemption. There is no shame in waiting for what your soul says you need.

But, do you think that as Chana waited for her baby, she felt the details of her current life were a mistake?! Chana knew that her barren stomach, and her desire for a child, were completely one with Hashem Himself and therefore she dared to lean into her soul’s desire and passionately ask Hashem for what she wanted!

Being present and joyful in our lives is not antithetical to asking for and receiving what we are waiting for. The truth is, the more present we are, the more we can notice that the exact path we are on is leading us directly to the thing that we are waiting for, and we can be joyfully present in the process of desiring it, and receiving it.

You have permission to wait for that which your soul desires. And you also have permission to be fully alive and in love with your life while you wait.

You are waiting, but you are not JUST waiting. I bless you to know that your desire to get married is the Divine desire of your Neshama, and to tenderly hold the feeling with passion, pride and love, as you proudly, open-heartedly and presently live within the wondrous magic of your current life.

Revealing Moshiach Through The Wait

Moshiach is actually happening. The Rebbe made it very clear to us that in addition to revealing G-d in each corner of the globe, we also have the mission of finding G-d in our own minds and hearts, in each corner of ourselves. And, if we are in a stage of life, or having a certain experience of life, then it is there that we are meant to reveal Hashem.

Shifting the stories, we are telling ourselves from believing that marriage is the determining factor of our worth, to knowing that we are essentially valuable and worthy- simply because we are One with G-d in this moment, is literally revealing Moshiach.

Geula is when we start to see ourselves and the world the way that G-d does. Geula is when we do not use spouses, babies, jobs, money, beauty, or even our performance of Mitzvos, to prove our worth, but rather, all those things are expressions who we know we truly are.

It is time to open our eyes to the truth that Hashem is not over THERE waiting to be found, but rather, Hashem is HERE; in this moment, in this body, in this life. It is time to start a revolution of teaching and believing that the details of our lives are literally the loving breath of Hashem, until we experience the ultimate revelation where we will clearly see that this has always been the truth.

It’s time to Change the Narrative

I’m writing my name on this article because I want to make it clear that believing in our lives’ inherent value, independent of what stage of life we are in, is not just a theoretical concept but is a truth I believe Hashem is waiting for us to experience.

I hope this article starts a conversation between people involved with Shidduchim, teachers and students, parents and daughters, friends, and most importantly, people and themselves.

Moshiach is imminent. It is time to get curious about the stories we are holding about ourselves that are limiting us from experiencing the truth of our lives.

What I’m asking is that as a community, we dare to be brave enough to walk to the edge of what Hashgacha Pratis actually means, and begin believing its truth about ourselves and the people who we come in contact with.

It is time not to be afraid to let our students and children know that there will NEVER be a moment in their lives that is not Hashem purposefully creating them at that moment, and that includes the time of being single.

It is time to be brave enough to add another paragraph into the speeches we give when we mention educating our children, and let people know that the same G-d who desires that we raise our children is also creating people without children with the same amount of love, intention, and purpose.

And most of all, it is time to be brave enough to check in with our own inner narratives and to notice if we are holding beliefs that say that the details of the story of our lives is somehow an exception to the Unity of Hashem.

We are divine souls in holy bodies. The details of the story of our lives are the reflection of the specific purpose of our neshama coming into this world and every single moment of our lives is precious and holy.

To anyone reading this article and not waiting to get married, I bless you to notice that these words also apply to the exact circumstance that you are in. (Ain Od Milvado- no exceptions.) Maybe you are waiting for a child, or your children are not on the path that you feel is right for them. Maybe your spouse turned out to be different than you dreamed of, or your health, career, or internal state is presenting differently than you imagined. It’s so easy to come up with a million reasons why this doesn’t apply to “me” and the situation “I” am in, but I bless you for having the courage not to exempt yourself from the Unity of Hashem. Your life is waiting.

I bless everyone reading this, that all the blessings that your souls are seeking should appear right now, and to deeply know that the same G-d who is delivering your miracle is also creating the miracle that is your life right now.

This moment is Hashem, and His arms are outstretched towards you, waiting for you to show up with the fullness of your life, including your desire, and take His hands and start dancing with Him. I bless you to dance until you notice that your hands are overflowing with the exact blessings you seek and until life starts dancing with you, and the ultimate, eternal dance takes place with Moshiach Now!