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Catskills: Good for Marriage?
What we see might not be the truth - but what we see still affects our state of mind. AMI Magazine's Altee Rubin explores what life at bungalow colonies does to a marriage. Full Story
What we see might not be the truth - but what we see still affects our state of mind. AMI Magazine's Altee Rubin explores what life at bungalow colonies does to a marriage. Full Story
This whole concept of families splitting up for the summer is so alien to me, an Out-of-Towner. In my part of the world families take vacations together. Who’s vacation is it when couples only see each other for the weekend? When children don’t see their dads except for the weekend? Unless the idea is to take a vacation FROM each other?? Please enlighten me…
Instead of paying attention to what you thought was going on in the other families, you should have been spending time working on your own family. Your jealousy did you in. Most of the women in your group were probably lying anyway.
di you really think you make others happy when you continuously praise your own family members? what if takeh the listener is not in a good marriage or he/she has children with significant problems or his/her parents were abusive? it can be very hurtful to constantly hear how great your friend’s life is when your own is…… one can be a positive,happy person without obnoxiously tooting his own families horn.
THE ONLY PROBLEM THIS GENERATION HAS IS THE LAST GENERATION !!!!
praise your spouses ,praise your kids, praise your parents, praise your siblings,praise your Rov, praise your teachers, praise your local grocery …ALOUD…..
less loshen Hora (which is always public) and a happier this generation!
please take some responsibility. there is no reason to talk and talk about our spouses to others. this is part of the problem this generation has with privacy/tzneeus.save it for your maspia or for your spouse-praise him to him.
We are taught that when we start seeing faults in others, it’s time to take a closer look at ourselves. Instead of comparing to what other couples relationship SEEMS to be (I agree with #1), take a look at your own. Who are you to think that you are so perfect, that only your husband has faults and “falls short?” Everyone has faults. Instead of comparing to others, try to be the best wife you can be, and bring out the positive in your husband. You need to care solely about your marriage.
When typing long stories, please create proper paragraphs, it provides for more efficient skimming.
Thank you
we fell out with ‘friends’ b/c of this issue…she told me she couldn’t take all the talking i did how wonderful my husband is while hers wasn’t like that. the truth is though while i chose to praise my husband and appreciate all he does for us ,look for the good in him and not dwell on his flaws she chose to to do the opposite,which caused enormous jealousy.she and the women writing this could have done the same! so it wasn’t the bungalow (btw ive never been) which ruined her marriage but her negative jealous personality!
For all the reasons #17 wrote, I believe a year of Kolel is the best possible beginning for a marriage if the couple is willing to accept the modest income!!!! As for the bungalows, I recall how one very shy woman, “Dina”, became intensely jealous of “Sara”, a very friendly woman, who used to make light conversation with Dina’s husband. Sara believed there was nothing wrong with having men who were “just friends” of hers — her chinuch was so, so sorely lacking!! Without going into all the gory details, where both families were humiliated and embarrassed in public in… Read more »
if you want to see the truth in a humerous fashion, about moving out to, and life in the country for summer, an amazing discription is sung by Iom Tov Erlich, in yidish, (worth translating) really worth listening to and to take to heart! in his disc ´luksus´ – lots of other truth´s too, about chasene´s and lots more!
Wow, how about changing the subject next time someone brings up how wonderful their Moishe is? Ladies, it’s time to move on and get a life. What about talking about books, current events, health trends, exercise, careers, Torah,self-improvement?
This women had problems to begin with, a good marriage is not always comparing itself to other marriages. Bungalow life can be a very wholesome experience, healthy for the entire family, a place to make friends and watch your children grow and really enjoy the time together with your spouse without the city issues.
When i say “the Cat is Out Of The Bag” what I meant to say that someone finally disclosed something honest and “real” in a magazine for the frum olam. Usually articles written in such pubilcations are “safe” and often do not delve deeply into real and unpleasant issues. Of course the Rebbe has mentoned the ramifications of this not so innocuous pastime of good olde country living. But to me, this is one of the few times that I have read something so revealing, so descriptive and honest that it was almost refreshing and thought provoking to read, It… Read more »
Relationships are fragile. This writer is honest and wrote from the heart. Any long term separation from a loved one is breading ground for disaster. It takes TWO to tango. Both partners have to work towards harmony and shalom bait…regardless if you are frum, super frum or secular. Marriage issues are universal and their solutions are universal as well…give or take a few individual cultural/religious customs. This writer wrote beautifully and I totally related.
I like the article but nothing was mentioned on how “YOU” tried to improve “YOUR” marriage by being kinder to “YOUR” husband showering him with love, care and kind words.Evrything about everyone else except for “YOU”!!Maybe next time you realize it is not always about someone else!
While your wife is in the mountains and you are home it can be disastrous or a positive experience.
a) Make sure to go to a Shiyur every night with no exception.
b) Call a friend or an aquaintance to offer help, advice or just a friendly chat
c) Write a letter or email every night to your children at camp.
d) Try an do some Mivtza Teffilin right after work
Keep yourself busy and it will keep you out of trouble
you are right. its good to see some people dont just take whats printed and make it holy but rather understand what they read and understand it can be wrong (for example here)
This article makes a very good point. As some of the comments have already mentioned, this problem can happen anywhere. Comparing spouses or wishing mine was more like ____, can lead to problems. To those commentators suggesting that the author is blaming her failed marriage on the bungalow colonies, I say- See past that and listen to the message she is trying to convey. If you shoot the messenger, you haven’t absorbed the message.
i believe there are things that are private in a marriage.I am not a crown heighter but i was shocked by some conversations that took place over shabbat lunch and then after. Couples discussing things that should be kept behind doors it can only lead to disaster.So now i can only imagine that out n the country that kind of thing doubles.Its time couples looked at themselves and whats good for THEIR marriage and dont allow outside influences to create a space for negativity and doubt.
She is not putting down any marriages, silly response, all she is saying that what one sees on the surface is not always the reality.. Further # 6,8 and 11; your comments appear to be judgmental and insensitive towards people with human foibles. and if you don’t know what the word is,look it up. it applies to everyone among the human race, King David, Yacov Avinu and others had a few as well #11 ulitmatey sounds like good advise,..,if it were so simple why have these discussions, why have masphias, why have anything,..you seem to have it all wrapped up… Read more »
yes perhaps marriage counseling from the get go with this marriage was esssential, and who is to say they didn’t already do that; This is not the point; The point she was making,is that her PERCEPTIONS of her husband’s shortconings when compared to others whether real or misconstrued ultimately became VERY REAL to her and in the end that is ALL that matters . Hopefuuly given her penchant for this self destsrulctive envy could have been worked on with serious counseling. but her in case, sadly it was too late but hopefullly not for others. This “sickness” knows no bounds… Read more »
This article brings out the point that as young married couples we need to learn how to behave as a couple.
The best thing for me was that first year in Kolel!
Yes my new wife was running form job to job and I tutored to make ends meet, It was very worthwhile, you sit around the table and you hear from your friends- your peers how to adjust , and what to do to make it work, from discounts in the store to your behind closed door activities.
please elaborate if you feel the same
To # 4-in all due respect your response is misguided and shallow; she is not blaming anyone whether in the city or at the bungalow; She admitted that her marriage was shakiy and fragile to begin with. She is only commenting that in such tight,open quarters when you are under everyone’s scrunity she personally had a tendency to compare her marriage with the blatant desirable aspects of others which in the end of the day only served to only excerbate her feelings of jealousy . One is not allowed to put themselves in a place of danger ; if one… Read more »
This is hands down the best and most meaningful piece I have read in years. While men may have a more external problem when it comes to analyzing other people’s marriages, women take it on a much, much deeper level. So much so, that a woman comparing her husband with another’s is downright dangerous. Every married woman in the world should read this article, and learn it ba’al peh. Every Kallah teacher should make this article part of the curriculum. Do not criticize this woman. This woman can be YOU. However, I don’t think that this problem is limited to… Read more »
OF COURSE WELL KNOWN THE HUSBANDS R COMING BACK TO THE CITY AND THE MOUSE ARE DANCING TOO, NEBACH THEIR WIFES THINKING THEY R WORKING VERY HARD, MEANWHILE THEY ENJOY RESTORANTE, LATE NITE OUT BEERS WITH FRIENDS, CLUBS ETC,… SO WAKE UP AND SAVE YOUR SHALOM BAYIT, HUSBANDS R NOT MADE IN BARZEL!!!! SEPARATION IS NO GOOD… KEEP HIM!!! WHO CARE JEWELERY OR ELSE
I’M SURPRISED SO MANY PPL THINK THIS WAS SOME SORT OF CHIDDUSH OR “THE CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG”. THE REBBE SPOKE MANY TIMES THAT COUPLES SHOULDN’T GO OUT TO DINNER OR MINGLE…. AND BESIDES THATS BASIC COMMON SENSE! AND FOR THE RECORD THE REBBE “MADE FUN” OF PPL WHO WENT TO THE COUNTRY AND CONSIDERED A MISHUGAS( THAT MEANS CRAZYNESS!! ; ) LOL! THE BOTTOM LINE IS THAT EVERY PERSON HAS CONTROLL OVER THERE OWN LIFE AND WE SHOULD FOLLOW TRENDS BLINDL;ESSLY, USE UR BRAINS THINK ABOUT WHERE YOU WANT TO GET WITH UR LIFE, WHY WERE U… Read more »
yes she is refering to the bungalow cuz it damahed HER marrieage. and that was along time ago, so u r right that u dont need to go there, u can be at home checking ur facebook and the same can happen. im sure u can take the lesson and apply to ur situiation. and yes, she is right that beeing to close with other coulples and talking about ur private life and marriage can ruin othes`.
That was just a place where you could see other peoples marriages because you were unhappy to start with, with your own. And jewelry and kavod-??? Who cares he’s your man that you married. Love him and make it work!
I know of 1 prominent mashpia who said it is not good for marriages when husbands and wives are separated the way they are by the wives and kids going away to the country for the summer.
Been there, and it is so true.
Stopped going.
For the sake of my marriage.
Please accept personal responsibility and stop looking for external casual factors.
bilaam was in awe cuz no one looked into “whats’ going on there?” everyone was only involved in their own family. today everyone is so insecure, looking into everyone elses relationships….and encouraging lack of tznius since many feel they need to ‘show’… a cancer that is responsible for many divorces, sadly
1. You had a problem that preceded the bungalow colony.
2. You should have addressed your husband’s shortcomings after the first summer.
3. You don’t have to put down other’s marriages to placate your jealousy.
Good Luck!
the lack of tznius for some where couples so comfortably mingle together just doesn’t seem healthy and what have kept our family together as kedusha. and the idea of husbands being alone in the city for a whole week when their wives are in the country doesn’t seem healthy either, the rabbanim should make a takana which has been done in some frum communities already that the husbands need to come up once during the week to see their family and wife….not much more needs to be said.
sorry, but this woman is barking up a wrong tree. She is blaming her divorce on her peers in the catskills? She obviously had many issues with her ex. You can compare your husband to others everywhere, not just in the country.
Oh, and P.S. I don’t go to the country, so I am not saying htis to defend the place.
Although I have yet to go to a bungalow colony, I can still relate. This is something that can happen wherever you are. Comparing your marriage to anyone else’s is detrimental.
Congradulations! finally an honest in-depth appraisal of another sort of cancer eating away at our community:: competing and comparing our husbands, our wives, with others, BT’s with Geshe and vice versa..like child molestation which is finally being swept up from under the rug, this too is a virulent disease as well and every bit as painful and the results equally as tragic. This women as she admits had a misgudied perception at the time and only later realized that which glitters is not neceassarily gold!! How many of us do the same, getting sucked into the idealization of other people’s… Read more »
so so sad. Unfortunately this kind of thing happens in ‘city’ living too. In general, people talking about their husbands and their marriages and their lives can cause jealousy among others. Especially when its younger married women/men who are still at the point where they think that only their marriage has problems or only their spouse is lacking. Maybe once we’re older and more experienced we do realise that everyone has their issues and we have no idea what goes on behind closed doors – so what we see is not the whole picture and we shouldnt feel bad or… Read more »