A Guide for Purim ‘Recycling’

By Moshe Kravitsky for COLlive.com

Here’s the rundown. You got your two older sons, Shalom and Araleh, out on foot with the “Russian shopping kart” filled to capacity making deliveries to friends, family, and neighbors on and around the block.

Your husband is entrusted with the fully-loaded car for the day (and I’m not talking sunroof, GPS, and a DVD player). I’m talking about the entire car, besides for a tiny space left for a car seat housing the almost three year old boy who passed out somewhere between the 6th and 14th chocolate-rolled cigar, filled with baskets of cellophane wrapped shaloch manos your family has been preparing for the last 2 weeks.

And you? You are the lone soldier entrusted with the hefty job of manning the fort. Only the super experienced get this job; not someone flimsy who can crack under pressure. Rather a person who’s got it all together and can keep a straight face better than the rest of em’.

This year, that person is you.

Ding-dong. You open up. It’s a representative from the Klein family holding a neatly packed/expensive looking basket with a card that’s got your family’s name on it. Examining the basket, you say “That’s so nice of you. How lovely. Look, it’s got little frilly things. This is really beautiful.”

Of course, you’re just trying to buy yourself some more time. You do a quick assessment. DARN! It’s the oldest son, he’s in mesivta with your own boy, and you just know he’s smart enough to realize that you completely forgot all about the Klein family this year when you made your list.

Your heart starts racing, you can feel you just broke a sweat; maybe two.

“BE COOL. Just keep the smile going and nod your head a lot,” you think to yourself. “OMG, you think to yourself. Me and his mother practically grew up together. How on earth could I forget to make a basket for their family?”

Suddenly, your pulse slows down again, you feel much more confident. The solution has softly arrived in your thoughts, and with a straight face and a warm smile you manage to get out the words, “Just wait right there, please.”

And there you have it, folks. You’re about to pull one of the oldest tricks in the book on the Klein kid. The ole’ Purim switcharoo, and just to make us all look a bit more civilized, I’ll give it a more sophisticated name. You’re gonna “Recycle.”

Oh, c’mon, we all do it. A hundred percent of us, on Purim day, specifically, will never admit to it. It’s clearly too embarrassing to do it in front of the person’s face so we leave him/her at the door and get to business in the farthest room away from the entrance to the house, thereby concealing traces of evidence, and simultaneously eliminating any guilt you have while doing the dirty work.

Look, you and I both know that when this Klein kid leaves your door, he’s gonna be walking away with some sort of basket in his hands. But you gotta be ready for anything. These people can smell the fear and uncertainty of those taken by surprise at the door like a guy who’s job it is to serve papers to those being sued. Follow me, here. I’m gonna give you a 10-step guide to flawless “Recycling.” You’ll thank me for it later.

Number One – Be aware, Be Prepared!

Print several copies of these steps and hand them to members of your family at least one to two days before Purim so that they may familiarize themselves with the process. You’ll wanna hang up a copy on the safety zone a.k.a. the fridge, in case of emergencies on Purim day. Recycling scenarios almost always come by surprise.

Number Two – Choosing the best person in the house to Recycle.

Generally, one person is chosen from all the family members as the designated Recycler. This is usually the fastest, most creative candy-putter-together/wrapper. However the one-person rule only applies during peace time. Unfortunately, desperate times call for more recruits. Give the little ones a few demonstrations before P-DAY hits. I know they’ll be nervous and maybe even scared like the poor workers at Best-Buy who have to open the doors at 7am on Black Friday, but bribe them if you have to. THIS IS IT!

Number Three – The Set-up.

This step is absolutely critical to the “Recycling Process.” Your gonna have to choose a dimly lit room somewhere in the back of the house that guests don’t generally enter and won’t mistake for the restroom. You wouldn’t wanna be caught doing the dirty work with your hand in the cookie jar, literally. This is where you’re gonna set up shop.

Number Four – Collection.

Clear off one or two folding tables, and clean for dust. We wouldn’t want the goods getting dirty. Once your sons or husband come home from “Deliveries – Round one,” have them unload all incoming baskets on to the tables. You may want to have one of them start separating expensive chocolates and goodies from the other stuff, i.e. no name baked goods, garbage-glowing green sour liquid stuff that almost always has a picture of some kid crying on the wrapper, the accidental cholov-stam drop-in etc. MAKE SURE TO EMPTY OUT EVERY BASKET COMPLETELY AND INSPECT IT FOR PERSONAL NOTES TO YOUR FAMILY FROM THEIR FAMILY. IT’S ALL OVER IF THAT HAPPENS. If he does his job right, and everything is neatly stacked, your table should look like it belongs in a Mob boss’ private vault.

Number Five – The lookout.

If you have extra man power, have a family member, preferably a small child, standing watch by the front window to alert you whenever he recognizes a car that’s pulling into your driveway. Make sure to equip him/her with some inconspicuous alerting tool i.e. a cow bell, two way radio etc. etc. Have the child call out the family name of the person approaching the door. If the child Is young, and can’t recall names, he should just call out a general description i.e. license plate, facial features, birthmarks –whatever you can use to narrow it down.

Number Six – Know when it’s okay to Recycle.

Generally speaking, people who deliver a basket to your house are in a rush to get on with the rest of their deliveries. The do-not-disobey rule of thumb is to have your watch-kid stand by the window and make sure the subject gets into his/her car, and drives off. Always wait two minutes before sending the basket to the vault for collection. You never know when the subject might return “claiming” to have forgotten his cell phone in your house. Beware of nosy people on P-DAY.

Number Seven – The Yenta/ When to pull the Plug.

But occasionally, you will have one or two yentas that just don’t seem to get the hint. If this happens, all Recycling must come to a halt especially in a case where the yenta suddenly starts looking for or asking for the bathroom. We wouldn’t want him going into the “Vault.”

Number Eight – Never eat your own stash

Let’s face it, all this candy could drive a sugar-holic mad. The temptation alone gives your sweet-tooth cavities. However, one sugar rush is all it takes to sabotage an entire operation. If you can’t rely on your own soldiers to do what they’re told, you might have to cut them loose until Purim is over.

Number Nine – When to gracefully admit you forgot all about the subject.

NEVER!!! Lie like a politician an hour before elections are over, if you have to, but under any circumstances, don’t dare cave! If you get nervous because you’re under pressure, just say “Oh I know my wife left it for you somewhere, but I can’t seem to find it. Let me just call her up. I’ll be right back.” Then calmly walk away towards the vault. VIOLA!

Number Ten – Don’t start a clone war.

This is by far the single most horrible mistake a Recycler can make. Anyone who has facebook will understand what it means to have friends in common with other friends. If for some reason, you feel inclined to just give away an entire basket without inspecting it, make sure that you’re not giving it to the original giver’s good friend. IE. your family got a green cellophane wrapped basket with a clown on top from the Goldberg family. The Goldberg family is close with the subject at the door. Chances are, the subject’s family already received a similar basket at home. You’re about to create a clone. In short, just make up a new basket for common denominators.

Breathe easy, folks. Moshe Kravitsky’s got your back. Happy Purim, Soldiers.