What’s It Like Being An ‘Invisible Girl’

By Mrs. Shana Tiechtel

In a room full of people, she felt so alone. Amidst loud, upbeat music, she felt so down. Conversations flowed, but she had no one to talk to.

No, she was not a “nebach” case, she did not look dowdy or forlorn. To those around her, she appeared to be a put-together, capable, and confident young lady, yet somehow, she was simply ignored.

She was the “invisible girl.”

Let’s call her Sara, but she could easily be Mushka, Rochel or Leah….She could be the girl sitting in the back row of the classroom or standing alone during recess, but you wouldn’t notice her because she is “invisible.”

She may even be your neighbor or someone sitting next to you at a wedding, but although she is present, she is not seen. We don’t see her or hear her silent cry. If we would listen carefully, we might hear her say, “I may not be a witty or a scintillating conversationalist or lead an exciting life, but please, don’t just ignore me. I AM HERE!”

I often wonder, how does this happen? We all talk about Ahavas Yisroel. “Love every Jew” is our mantra. We go to the four corners of the world, to the most forsaken places, to find another Yid and help him, physically and spiritually. Yet, we can be oblivious of the student in our class, or the neighbor on our block, who is invisible.

We tell over-dramatic stories about selfless heroes and would like our children and students to emulate their Mesiras Nefesh. We are a most hospitable and caring community and I have no doubt that each of us would do everything possible to help another Yid facing a challenge. Yet the “invisible” girl exists right now, right here, within the four walls of our schools, our homes and our community. She may be the one that is simply ignored while others converse animatedly around her or the “odd girl out” when groups are formed. She does not complain or express her hurt, she is just “there”. If you get to know her, you will find her to be a bright, interesting, and caring individual who has much to offer and to share.

A young man once asked the Rebbe to define what exactly a “Rebbe” is. He expected that the reply would be that a Rebbe is a holy and wise individual who toils all day, learning Torah and doing Mitzvos. To his utter surprise, the Rebbe answered with a one-word description, “A Rebbe is a friend.” The man looked puzzled, and the Rebbe explained that a friend rejoices when his friend is happy and is hurt when his friend is in pain.

Recently, I was speaking to a young lady, let’s call her Mushka, and she described the feelings of the “invisible girl.”

“It’s as if I don’t exist. I try to smile and even be friendly, but teachers and classmates ignore me. If I was a very bright or a failing student, I would be noticed. If I was disruptive, I would be given attention. But I am just a quiet average girl who doesn’t ask for anything. Every day when I come to school, I tell myself today will be different, and it doesn’t change.”

The two-letter root of the word “Chinuch “is “Chein,” which the Targum translates as “Rachamim,” meaning compassion. It should be a Chinuch priority to teach our children and students to have compassion and relate to the feelings of others. This important life skill can’t be taught only by singing emotional songs or relating dramatic stories. Our children and students have to see us in action, reaching out to the “invisible girl” and ensuring that “Mushka’s” tomorrow will be different than today.

It is so easy to be blinded and, with the best intentions, fail to see “Mushka.” It is time to open our eyes and ensure that the “invisible” becomes “visible “and that children’s emotional well-being becomes as important as their academic progress. I am grateful that there exists an organization, the Menachem Education Foundation (MEF), that recognizes the importance of our students’ and children’s emotional wellness and provides parents and teachers with the appropriate tools to reach every child.

MEF is having a charidy campaign on November 25-26 / 24-25 Cheshvan, raising one million dollars for Chinuch. I support MEF as they take responsibility for every student, and so can you, at charidy.com/mef.

Together, we can ensure that Mushka’s tomorrow is “different.” We can see her for who she is, ensuring that she is “invisible” no more.