When Our Son Struggled, We Opened a One-Room Cheder

It sounds quaint: a Chassidisher Yungerman hired to teach our young son the Yesodos of Yiddishkeit.

What makes a regular parent in 2023 choose this path?

For my wife and me, it was a simple realization, and we are thrilled with the results.

Five years ago, “Sholom” graduated Pre-1A as an excited, sweet and sociable six-year-old in a mainstream Yeshiva. He had learned the Alef Beis as well as any classmate and was eagerly beginning to read.

But soon after entering first grade, the glint in his eye was replaced with a line on his forehead. The new social environment coupled with a faster learning pace compared with what Sholom was used to in Pre-1A were overwhelming. Sholom’s unhurried soul was simply not ready for these changes.

He loved his classmates, Rebbi and principal, but the intensity of the environment – class size, shiurim, wealth of subjects learned – were all just too much for him. We often wished we lived in another city, where the school might have a smaller class, and a more ‘out-of-town’ feel.

It seemed that while other boys managed the pace and subjects, our son struggled.

When an assignment felt like a chore, it took him forever to complete it. The longer it took to complete it, the more he felt like a failure. And with each feeling of failure, he became less willing to take risks. Soon he gave up completely and began avoiding academics as much as possible.

Thinking he needed something more specialized, e.g. smaller class size, reduced learning pace, more one-on-one, we enrolled Sholom in a smaller local school. The change was immediate and remarkable. To our delight, the smaller classes and more individualized instruction brought back a piece of his spirit. He spent a few years at that school, for which we are very grateful.

But it was clear that we hadn’t yet found Sholom his place.

As an “alternative” school, the second Yeshiva catered to boys with behavioral or academic challenges. While class-size, learning pace, and teacher-student ratio were exactly what Sholom needed, boys behavioral challenges were overwhelming for him.

That’s when the idea for a new-old Chinuch clicked for us.

We discussed how the Rebbeim took such care in hand-selecting and monitoring teachers for their sons.

We thought of the lifelong reverence the Frierdiker Rebbe had for his childhood Melamed.

We reviewed the Hayom Yoms praising the virtue of the sincere, and devoted yid.

Why can’t Sholom be encouraged to enjoy and excel at that?

What if a gentle boy, a sincere boy, with no official “challenges,”, whose only “failures” is being “too” sensitive and a little slower academically compared with boys his age, could have a hand-picked melamed to guide his neshoma with warmth, wisdom and connection? What if he could connect with one excellent teacher, year after year?

It was not an easy decision to make and no part of what we have done since has been easy. But, it’s been so rewarding!

Now finishing 6th grade, Sholom is thriving in all the same areas of study as his main-stream -school friends, but with a strong personal foundation. While he was on the outside of an imaginary circle for so long, he is now inside, owning what he’s acquiring.

He is learning how to daven with a minyan, and the small nuances of day-by-day Yiddishkeit. He learns one Mishna at a time, one Sugya in Gemara at a time, one Sicha etc, extremely well at his individual pace. The boys had the opportunity to experience their learning hands-on through little trips and activities such as going to the rebbe’s house, the Library, etc. they even participated in the Chidon!

After our first amazing year, we offer four observations to parents considering this same path:
1) Know your son, know your goals. The idea here is not to open another alternative school nor to implement a fresh new theory in Chinuch. The idea is to tailor the Cheder experience to every child or small group of children, period. Every child, every Rebbi, every year.

2) The right teacher is everything. If this is true in a large school, it’s true a thousandfold with a
small-group Melamed: your child will sink or swim depending on the specific teacher. We are fortunate that Hashem sent us an experienced Rebbi who completely understands what our goals for the year were.

3) Structure is everything else. In every way but the anxiety, our son and his classmate are in a full-scale school: they go to a fresh and fully-functioning classroom each day. We collaborate closely with the principal and teachers at his old schools.

4) Mechanchim are your friends. You will be surprised how open our Mechanchim and Menahlim are in offering help and guidance in any way they can. They truly see their work as a Shlichus not as a job. We are especially grateful to Rabbi Yehoshua Lustig for his encouragement and guidance throughout the year.

What’s next for Sholom? Another amazing year bez”h, with a small group of boys ages 11-13, learning the essentials of yiddishkeit in a warm, safe environment.

Over the next few weeks, we would like to meet parents of boys aged 11-13 who fit Sholom’s profile.

Perhaps you are interested in joining our “one-room Cheder,” or we can share our experiences in finding what works best for our sons.

To honor “Sholom’s” privacy, we remain anonymous. To contact us privately, please Text or Whatsapp 347-722-1337