By Chaya Kashani
“You can’t leave the house in that skirt!”
“Just wear tights.”
“I’m just telling you that your shirt is tight.”
“You look nicer when your shirt isn’t open.”
I don’t need to tell you the resentment level these remarks always evoked for me. And still evoke, if we are being honest.
For the most part, I’m known as “an eidel and tzinus girl.” But that doesn’t mean I don’t have my struggles. There are so many parts of tzinus and the way it’s presented that pick at my heart in a way that’s physically pressuring.
About a month ago, something happened that moved me. I was having a bit of a hectic day, and sat with a coffee by the computer for a few minutes. A headline caught my eye and struck me. Someone passed away, and the name sounded familiar.
It took me a minute until I realized. It was Rabbi Schneur Hirsh. I used to babysit for his kids when I lived in Crown Heights. He had not been feeling well for some time, but I didn’t know that, so the news was sudden for me.
A father of young children, not even bar mitzvah yet, was taken away. He was 39 years old. Heartbreaking is not enough of a word.
I remember thinking to myself that if there was something I could do, I would do it for this family. I used to babysit for both his and his sister’s family, and I had gotten close to them.
It wasn’t until I had finally mustered the courage to call the family, and I was leaving a voicemail on Mrs. Hirsh’s (his mother’s) phone, that the thought hit me to make a hachlata in tzinus, and enter it onto therebbesletter.com.
Before I had a chance to think, I told Mrs. Hirsh about the hachlata in the voicemail. The problem was, that now I had to do it. What could I take on in tzinus? I thought until I came up with two small things, and entered them in on therebbesletter.com.
Yes, they are small steps. It’s the very least I can do for an amazing family that I have gotten to know. But that’s what I can commit to doing for now.
Bottom line: I get it. Mention of the ‘T word’ is not fun. But improving in tzinus doesn’t have to be cringe-worthy.
As I type this, there’s a part of my outfit that honestly speaking, would probably not pass the highest tzinus standard. There are some things I’m not ready to give up.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t take steps, however small they are, in other areas of tzinus. I am still keeping to the hachlatas I made on the website. And who knows, maybe someday I’ll take on improving in other areas too.
And you can too. Big or small, heart- pressing or not, you can take steps that you want to take.
Visit Therebbesletter.com.
What is therebbesletter.com?
Many people don’t know this, but Mrs. Hirsh runs an amazing website called theRebbesletter.com.
Inspired by an actual letter from the Rebbe, the website has a template where you input your hachlata in tzinus- whether in thought, speech, dress, or general behavior. Inputting your hachlata enters you into a raffle for jewelry or a sheitel. That’s besides for the tremendous brachos the Rebbe guarantees for keeping this mitzvah. In short, it’s a win win!
Does someone knows the maaseh with the russian soldiers that went in the middle of their night shift to drink some vodka, and got drunk but still wanted to go back. What happened was that they ended up falling drunk inside the house but facing their way outside. While there were soldiers that froze outside but they were found heading to the bar.
I will happy to read if someone knows this full detailed story!
It’s up to you, no one else, to make the best of yourself. Kol hakovod for sharing your message and taking action.
This is the inspiration I needed to hear to push myself a bit out of my comfort zone and to do what I know is right. Thanks
Good you made a hachlata. Hard to understand the part about “I’m just not ready to give up certain things”. So then you are doing this for a sense of yourself?
I thought mitzvot are commands of the Most Humble King.
Are you saying you are 100% perfect and follow every letter of the law?
There is nothing you can change to be a better jew? Oh wait…your just not ready yet….
I don’t know about you but I sure have challenges, changes that I’m not ready to make, but I know the truth, Torah is true and I strive to live a Torah life.
I believe that is what the writer is trying to convey.
She knows where she is holding and knows where she can grow.
Kol Hakovod to her much hatzlacha!
If someone takes on to be perfect in their thoughts action and speech forever, their decision will backfire, and they will likely fall lower than they originally stood.
I think what the author is saying, is that she’s being honest with herself and where she’s holding. She knows herself and what positive step in tznius she is practically able to implement today, and she is not in denial, as she admits that there is room for her to grow further when she is ready.
Congratulations and best wishes for hatzlocho! Even 1% change is a step forward, only you, your Creater and the Rebbe know the challenge it is for you! You wrote something so important!!! Inspiring..
Every step forward in todays tzius situation can be a huge mesiras nefesh for a young girl today.
We all are on the level of תשובה עילאה?!
Readers, lets be as honest and as brave to share as this young lady is.
Moshiach now and thank you for bringing us all little huge steps closer to geulah!!
As a girl in Shidduchim, tznius in dress, thoughts, and actions can be extremely difficult. Although no one is perfect, we try to dress based off of the expectations of the crowd and Shadchanim. Not at all in a bad way (after all, Shadchanim need to see the people that they’re setting up and everyone has good intentions) but in the end of the day we as the single girls are being looked at. There’s this expectation to dress stylish (which i like), put together, and TZNIUS. Becoming of age doesn’t remove the struggles I’ve always had, and it feels… Read more »
Thank you for being brave and sharing!
This is such a beautiful important message and the manner that you shared it in, is very non-judgemnetal and honest.
Such an important lesson to learn and each of us can choose something to add in that is personal to us.
Thank you so much for your courage and honesty. You truly are a beautiful Dugma Chaya for so many girls and young women. May Hashem bentch you with all the koyach you may need to keep smiling as you keep trying!