By Rabbi Chaim Lazaroff – Chabaduptown.org
As a father, I strongly feel that it is not my job to babysit. I know, fathers should be involved with their kids, but, babysit? Absolutely not.
Just because my wife, Chanie Lazaroff, has a conference of Chabad Lubavitch Shluchos (women emissaries) to attend in Brooklyn, New York, does not mean I have to be stuck babysitting the kiddos.
OK, I will pack their lunches, take them to school, shuttle them to after-school activities, make dinner and tuck them into bed at night with a nice story. Perhaps it will include potty breaks (or accidents) and cleaning up the messy floor artistically created by an unexpected stomach bug. But, babysit? No way.
Studies have consistently shown that involved fathers create happy, healthy and responsible kids and thereby adults. The effects have been proven in many areas including school grades, emotional health, incarceration and poverty.
The difference of babysitting versus fathering is not only in language semantics, as may be the difference between educating to teaching.
Babysitters can also teach skills. Hey, parents would not get any respite nor would high school kids have pocket change if it were not for babysitters.
But, the Hebrew word for education is Chinuch. The etymology of the word connotes dedication as in the word Chanukah. The upbringing of a child goes beyond teaching life skills. A babysitter can skillfully bring a storybook to life. The bonding that a nurturing parent provides goes way beyond the appreciation of a storybook to an appreciation for the provider of life itself.
Babysitting is not a job for a father. For that we hire people when the parents are not available. Fathers take care of their kids and so do the mothers.
oit ok no need to get so mad
So many people are confused about which way to turn with all of their individual own frustrations. Everyone looking for good examples or good ideas inwhich to discuss and find solid solutions. This is where wisdom, the kind which usually means life has been lived, where out of experience so too the the benefits come with the ability to teach so many lessons that, youth has not yet fully experience which may save them some mistakes also in the process.Listening to older and wiser and not just because older alone as without insightful wisdom nothing shall be gained. The people… Read more »
things can change for the better, so you can be a better wife and mother, and feel good about yourself too. You should see a therapist who can help you.
read it again she never tried to compare her job to being the parent…
VERY INCISIVE
fathers are fathers. Mothers are mothers. babysitters are none of those.
If you were offered a job doing less and far easier work for tripple pay, would you accept it and give notice? If not, then you love the child/children you look after as a parent or sibling would. But, if so, then, as I suspect most child-minders are, you have no place comparing your love for a child with that of a parent. Children sense this difference. The hug and kiss good night of a sitter who would choose the new job can never be compared to that of a truly loving Mommy or Daddy. f you are asked out… Read more »
Thank you for saying it so well. It is called parenting no matter which parent is doing it.
I think you should say strait out. You don’t have a relationship with our kids. You don’t know what they want. When they get older they won’t ask you for advise because they won’t feel you care about them. He should get the hint.
You spoke what I have ALWAYS said. Kol hakavod! Enjoy the parenting.
Ruth, Sydney, Australia
To #7
I think you have missed the point which is that fathers are parenting not baby sitting when they are with their children. The article is not meant to demean the role of baby sitters but rather point out that fathers are not baby sitters. When they are left to take care of their children they are parentling. Period.
I have heard the “my husband is babysitting the kids” phrase, and it always bothered me. Thank you so much for speaking up on this issue.
I hope it will bring greater awareness and change; since you speak as a rabbi,there is even more potential of doing just that.
Thank you for putting your heart out here. As 15 noted, you are one conversation away from reversing the direction of your marriage and family for the best!
Please contact a Torah-minded therapist or a relationship-minded Mashpia and start today,. You, your husband, your children–and their spouses and children too–will thank you.
Lots of blessing
I think this article belongs in chassan classes!
The pathway to every room in the house for the babysitter, is through the refrigerator. 🙂
You sound frustrated. and I kinda understand you..
I was like your husband, until my wife decided enough was enough.
We had a talk with someone (not a licensed therapist, but a qualified person with whom we both felt comfortable) and it seriously changed MY life, my wife’s life and no doubt my kids are happier too!!
Don’t wait until it’s too late. You owe it to yourselves and you are doing him a favor by pushing him to see someone.
Just sayin’
I wish my husband, will understand that one day….. He takes note of each little intervention with the kids, as if they owe him for his time and for his kindness….. As if his time is so productive….. Searching staff online, to become a better rebuild in school! When my husband will understand that he needs to be involved in the kids life…. Will be too late…. I will be burnt away from life and kids won’t appreciate or feel close to him……… It is a mentality. Just because his father was the king of the house, where the kids… Read more »
Can I use some of this to explain to Yidden why helping orphans is so important. Imagine a little girl who has no father. No-one to help but a baby sitter. No-one to give that quality attention. Imagine that little girl reaches the time to get married and has no father to help her. That is what my work is all about, helping orphan Chatanim and Kallot to set up their new home at the time of getting married. It is sad how many have no idea what an orphan Chatan or Kallah missed out on and why they need… Read more »
Seems like you totally missed the point of the article.
It wasn’t disparaging babysitters. It was just differentiating them from parents.I’m sure you are very much appreciated for what you do.
go chaya mushka
are you a father cuz im a mother and my husband doesn’t mind taking care of our children for lets s ay four five days
you sound like a good father
thanks for sharing
A father NEVER babysits – they PARENT their children. You always are PARENTING your children, never babysiting them.
Simple plain proper english !
I find this slightly insulting, as a babysitter who looks after a two year old, I am certainly not only the person who “brings story books to life” but also a “nurturer”. While I would never say my relationship to the child I nanny is the same as the parents relationship to their child, I have no problem equating the love and nurture I give and receive from the child with that of her parents. Even more so as a Jewish nanny helping to raise a Jewish child, I take to heart the importance of community in caring for a… Read more »
it is not babysitting when it is your children!!!
Way to go! Fathers are parents just as mothers are parents not sitters.
i agree
cute and very much to the point
I have been saying this for years. I get really upset when I hear a wife ask her husband to babysit, or say to her him: “Can you do me a favor and watch the kids?” Favor? Really? Whose kids are they? Yasher Koach to Rabbi Lazaroff for getting it right and putting it so succinctly.
You are right on the money! I wish more fathers felt that way.