Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg
My friend and I recently decided to conduct a non-scientific experiment. I parked my car on 16th Avenue in Boro Park with my friend observing from a short distance. The plan was to motion to boys under bar-mitzvah age to come to the car, and see their reactions.
With almost no exception, child after child came right to my car and answered all of my questions. They shared addresses, phone numbers, where parents worked, the shul their father davens in, all without a blink of hesitation.
I asked one of the boys, an eleven-year-old, why he came to a stranger’s car when his parents had surely taught him never to talk to strangers. “Oh, yeah,” he responded, and walked away.
The same happened in Crown Heights.
Most parents who read this anecdote will most likely immediately turn to their children and ask, “Are you allowed to talk to strangers?” Upon hearing a resounding, “no!” they will turn back to their magazines, safe in the knowledge that their children are the rare exception, that their family is safe and that their parenting is better than anyone else’s.
This kind of “check-up” is similar to that which occurs in most classrooms several times during a lesson. The teacher explains an idea or procedure and asks, “Do you all get it?” The students all nod emphatically, eager to move on to recess, while the teacher is satisfied that the lesson was learned.
In reality, the teacher has no clue whether or not the students truly learned the lesson, since all she asked was if they “got it,” not a question or exercise which showed their master of the material or skill. The teacher may have taught the lesson clearly, but has no idea whether or not it was learned.
When it comes to critically important lessons that we can’t afford our children not learning, we must be absolutely, 100% sure that they learn these lessons and don’t simply repeat what they hear or agree parrot-like to anything you say.
Teaching can never be replaced with simply telling. The two may not be so different in action, but their affects are monumentally different.
When it comes to parts the Torah like the exact details of the teivah, or the names of every river that ran out of Gan Eden, I am not so worried about every child knowing this information cold. I am, however, very concerned about those lessons that are essential for every single child to know, understand, and live, both in and out of school.
Your child is your responsibility, not that of the teachers or principals for whom you pay tuition. Yes, you relinquish part of your responsibility to teach your children Torah, yet it is ultimately your job to make sure that your children are genuinely learning those lessons which are too vital to their lives to be missed. The teachers and school as a whole are too pressured and therefore obsessed with covering material to pay too much attention to life lessons, which places the responsibility squarely in your lap.
The prospect may be (and should be) daunting. How can you, someone who has never professed or wanted to be a teacher, suddenly be capable or imparting life lessons just because you have a child?
The answer is simpler than you think. Yes, you are probably lacking 90% of the skills that a classroom teacher must have in order to truly teach, but that does not mean you can never learn and master those skills. Not only will you be able to teach your children the lessons, but you will have some idea what it means to teach and you may gain a deeper appreciation of your children’s teachers.
Don’t get overwhelmed by the amount of lessons that you want your child to know and live. Begin with one lesson at a time and make sure that it is taught thoroughly, clearly, and with a definite effect on your child.
Start with teaching your children about not talking to strangers! Don’t just tell them and watch their nods, actually teach them what to do!
As this lesson is so important for the safety of our children, I would be glad to provide any parent with a detailed written plan how to teach this lesson. For a copy, please email chaimtov10@aol.com.
–Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg, an educator close to 30 years, has been the Dean of Torah Academy in Minneapolis, Minnesota. He is on the faculty of Torah Umesorah’s teacher training institute in New York and is a consultant for Crown Heights schools Oholei Torah, Beis Rivkah and Bnos Menachem, as well as privately for parents in Crown Heights.
Sadly, the lack of trust has infiltrated into people not answering when someone they don’t know wishes them “Good Shabbos.”
Yes you shouldnt leave your child alone. But a lot of molestations happens in places that you think your child is safe in. Over night camps are a Big one! So we dont send them?! Or we teach them… Unfortunately it can happen with teachers…. with uncles or older cousins….. They are not alone per say… But they can still come across a situation where they gd forbid can be molested! Its a scary world. My sons are scared of everything 5 and 7 what do i do? If i tell them this stuff they’ll be scared of their shadow… Read more »
all parents try but it can be hard to teach your kids. its not such a 5 second process.
Most abuse of children’s innocence (if you catch my drift) occurs at the hands of someone they know and may also be close to. I recently came across a story from a bochur who tutors a child once a week for an hour in a local shul, He mentioned how the Father of the boy is ALWAYS present, keeping to himself on the other side of the shul learning from a sefer or browsing on his smartphone, but present and protective of his young son. This is what parents need to learn. If you want your children safe, do not… Read more »
it is not over board to tell your child not to trust a frum yid on kingston ave. unfortunately many “frum” jews have molested or been inappropriate with children. You can and should teach your children the importance of not speaking to strangers. (that means anyone your child does not know well!) they can say hello goodbye, yes and no but not anything else!
1. 80% of molestation happens with someone who is NOT a stranger, but someone the child and parents trust 2. molestation is ONLY possible if there is an opportunity for it to happen 3. making exceptions to the rules about being on guard (such as if the person is frum) is foolish. the question is not whether the parents teach their kids properly about stranger danger, but HOW were these kids left alone on the street in the first place?????? Since I, as a parent, know the above facts – I make SURE, and it is my JOB as a… Read more »
#3
THAT’S JUST THE POINT YOU SHOTEH!
KIDS SHOULDN’T TALK TO ANY STRANGERS, YIDDEN INCLUDED! THAT MONSTER LEVI ARON WORE A YARMULKAH AND HAD A BEARD!!
ABUSE IN THE JEWISH COMMUNITY happens so often. what #27 said was 100 percent correct. usually its the mail man teacher princeble or shabbos guest who abuses the child its the strangers that the children know to run away from. i was shocked when i heard about the devastating results of this experiment. for all those newly wed who just have their 1st children and dont know how to educate your kids from abuse READ THE BOOK TITLED ABUSE IN THE JEWISH COMMUNITY which walks you thru the different steps to prevent, stop, and solve abuse. the growing problem is… Read more »
the main reson is to teach your children/child not to speak to strangers .
What are the odds of a child Ch”V drowning in a lake or pool? What are the odds of child Ch”v getting hit by a car or even worse? What are the odds of being in a plane or bus crash? What are the odds of being hurt or worse by terrorists? What are the odds of A Leiby Kletzky tragedy occurring to ones child? Does one tell their child never to go into a pool, or a lake, or a car, or plane or cross a street? One takes normal precautions and ultimately relies on “Hashem Yishmoir Tzeischo Uvoiech… Read more »
My child’s yeshivas mandated us to attend a program by a Magenu.org . It was fascinating. Magenu trained the yeshiva rabbeim, teachers, the parents, and the children all in a 1 week period. If you have not attended you and your children are missing the most crucial part of their education. Protect them first.
I think this article speaks for itself and is very important for all parents to read and internalize. I will take it a step further – why are the kids not getting this lesson if they are told. Yes telling is not enough. But if a child is taught to trust himself then hey being in a situation with a stranger he will naturally ignore them not look at them and not trust them. More important than telling a kid dont speak to strangers – teach them to choose – to make their own choices to trust themselves and not… Read more »
The problem with our schools is tht they come home saying ” all goyim are bad” when unfortunately with Liby we should have learned that yidden can be just as bad or even worse. Your experience is alarming and they most likely went to you because you are frum and they think frum pp won’t hurt them. THANK YOU FOR MAKING THIS STUDY AND WRITING ABOUT IT. I think we all need a wake up call and really constantly talk to our children about it. I wish you would have ask: why made you come over to me when I… Read more »
i think that’s brilliant. will copy and use for my own kids. thanks.
There’s a concept in business dealings called ‘respect but suspect’. Likewise we should teach our kids that although every human being should be dealt with respect, trust is only given to those who we are sure of!
The comments are pretty much split between two sides that may not differ all that much in reality. I think #5 and those that agree (including myself) are saying is if something happens that may require the assistance of an adult, a frum person is the best to choose. Obviously we’re assuming the parents aren’t immediately available. I agree with the dissenters as well in situations where there is no need for the child to approach the adult, and should be healthily cautious around even frum people. My premise is simple: The percentage of the frum population who are unsavory… Read more »
1) As much as a child is taught and told what is right and wrong he is going to have to do it because he actually understands on his own level of self preservance and his parents will not always be there to protect him and teach him. Just like the Rebbe “disappeared” so can parents and children must learn to make their own decisions because parents don’t always make the right ones for them.
2) Lubavitchers are taught to go out on Mivtzoim and talk to total strangers. Where are you going to draw the line??
I just finished reading the plan. It is simple, brillant, any parent can use it, it will work and anyone who doesn’t get it and use it is foolish and playing with fire. This guy knows what he is doing and to give me the tools to teach (and not just say) is an art. I want to consult with him on different issues and maybe there are some others who want to join me and set up a session with him. Let me know.
A stranger is a stranger it doesn’t matter what he/she looks like! How can you people be so naive to think that a “frum” person is safe?
HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE BE SO NAIVE TO TELL YOUR CHILDREN THAT ITS OK TO ONLY TALK TO FRUM JEWS????????????????????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! THERE IS DANGEROUS PEOPLE IN EVERY GROUP.
SHOCKING
Several years ago my 19 year old daughter and her friend were approached in a park in Lakewood. The guy asked you to come to his car and give her candy. She was 19 years old! She laughed about it. Her friend said they should call the cops. They did and it turned out that this guy has been molesting kids in the park for a long time. not only is it shocking that these kids spoke to a stranger, but get the detailed information they gave. Kids need to be taught not to get that information out. I was… Read more »
I am now 48 yrs old, but when I was 4 yrs old, I lived in a rural area and I was playing in my front yard. A car with 2 men in it pulled up and asked me where a neighbor lived. I told them down the street and they asked me to get in the car and show them and then they would bring me “right back”! I almost went…and then I remembered my mother telling me never to get into any car with someone I didn’t know. So I told them to wait there, that I had… Read more »
some of you still don’t get that we have dangerous predators within our communities. WAKE UP!
Just because people are frum does not mean they care about the well being of children.
Teaching your children that they can trust any man with a beard or a woman with a shaitel is not educating your children to be safety smart.
JUST BTW TONZ OF KIDS GO ON AND LOOK AT THE COMMENTS! JUST SEEING THE COMMENTS THEMSELVES CAN GIVE ANYONE A LESSON OF A LIFETIME!!!!!!!!!!!!
?
The time that it took you to make your statement about why the lesson was not posted on the site, you could have send the email and requested it. Oh, you are probably one of those who wouldn’t have read the lesson anyways.
Comment 48: I initially had the same feelings when I read the statement of the teivah details and rivers of Gan Eden, but when I reread it, I see nothing at all wrong with what he wrote. All he said was that he wasn’t worried if every child doesn’t know that information. Why is that flippant? Do you know the names of the rivers? Do you know the chiefs of Esav? Let’s get real. I did share the article with my mashpiah and he saw nothing wrong with it. He didn’t see it as bittul hatorah at all. Obviously, every… Read more »
u know the thing with leiby he looked frum too!
Number 48. You don’t get the point the author is trying to make. Must you find the one part that you don’t like and attack it? Did you request the plan? Do you plan on protecting your children? Get a life and protect it!!!
Many of you seem to have missed a few salient points.
1)These children didn’t talk to this stranger in shul, in their homes…they walked over to someone’s car. The ease with which someone can be abducted in that situation is enormous!
2) They willingly gave out personal family information including your address and phone number. In the hands of someone with “sick” intentions, all of your children and your wife are potential targets.
Not every one that LOOKS Frum IS frum
“When it comes to parts the Torah like the exact details of the teivah, or the names of every river that ran out of Gan Eden, I am not so worried about every child knowing this information cold.” Why? In order to “prove” a concern for the kids, why does the author feel the need to qualify his concern in this manner? An educator, a rabbi, and yet this remark, which seems to me should be considered flippant is instead the opening to a transition in the essay. Does one negate the other? I child can’t learn both Torah and… Read more »
I don’t get this secrecy. Just post the plan and thsi might have a bigger effect than e mailing you a parent at a time, unless thsi is also another experiment of yours…
kids know that they are not supposed to talk to strangers but if they see a nice looking person sitting in a car, they will most probably go over and answer their questions etc. Not knowing that this is an EXTREMELY dangerous thing to do. A good way to teach this lesson to kids is to take them on a walk and point to them many cars. Then say “Doesn’t that person look nice? Well they might be nice but they are a stranger and they can be dangerous. If any stranger ever asks you to come to their car,… Read more »
TO ALL OF U WHO SAY THE EXPERIMENT IS NO GOOD, OR THE BEAUTY OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS THAT WE CAN TRUST THE PPL WHO LOOK LIKE US.. I’VE NEVER HEARD ANYTHING SO ABSOLUTELY SHOCKING IN MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!
THERE ARE PLENTY OF DISTURBED FRUM PPL OUT THERE WHO NOT ONLY CHILDREN, BUT ADULTS NEED TO WATCH OUT FOR AS WELL
—A VERY CONCERNED PERSON
dissagreewith #5!! it doesnt matter if they are frum or not, stay away from people you dont know. frum or not frum can be dangerous, so teach your kids, not to talk to people they dont know.
First of all just because someone APPEARS to dress and act like a frum jew- does not mean they actually are one. Its a beautiful thing to be able to trust the members of your community THAT YOU KNOW! It is just SILLY to put blind faith and trust in a person you dont actually know just because they share a dress code with your community. And sadly as others have pointed out- even if its not a stranger, there are those who still have “a childish obsession with body parts.” Kids need to be wary of all strangers! Only… Read more »
Kids need to know how to respond in every kind of situation where they find themselves away from their parents.. If a child is going to be left alone or with other people, he needs to be taught by his parents exactly who he will/might come in contact with and what to do. Don’t let a child have to guess at how to react…..children can’t always detect danger.
To the few morons who criticized this test, I pray that your children stay safe in the absence of you teaching them how to be street safe, street wise. Predators and sick people come in all types of people, even with a beard and yarlmuka. As for the teacher who did this test, do it again, meet with the principles of each school, organize to teach the children how to be wise and safe. I was involved in security for 11 years in CH, I’ve seen unimaginable sick behavior. Unfortunately, because we do not educate our children enough (because of… Read more »
Nice way of putting it. I’ll have to remember that.
I think I read this article in Hamodia magazine this week right?
This article first appeared in Hamodia’s magazine section……. Suggesting, that parents WHILE READING THE ARTICLE, would turn to their children to make sure they KNOW this lesson & be reassured when thy shake their heads yes….
i think that is a very good method, and your “purple bananas in green pajamas” is certaintly cute:)
to the test and article, but the trick is how to teach trust and distrust simultaneously. if you don’t trust you will have a lonely life. if you trust you will get burned. how to know when yes and when no, is not necessarily something that can be taught. because there are no rules.
Very well written!! I agree with this article 1000%!!!! we live in a scary world. Many kinds of dangers (even within our community). No need to cause alarm or fear when we teach our children, just the basic safety rules that is often not taught. Better to be safe than sorry. I wouldn’t want my children trusting everyone who looks “Jewish & frum”. Thank you Rabbi Ginsberg for raising the awareness. Keep up your great work!!
Does it matter if the person looks frum or not? If a stranger needs directions or help they shouldn’t be asking kids they can go to an adult. Any one can dress up like a Jew, and just like not all goyim are bad not all Jews are good! We need to teach our children to be aware of everybody.
#5- little secret dude… check the statistics- most abuse cases come from people the child does know. Yes, relatives biiiggg time!!
I agree with 18. Safety is about teaching your child awareness and boundaries. It might be ok to talk to a frum person. I don’t mean they need to ignore or get paranoid of every yid on the street. But they should have a sense of boundaries when it come to giving information, getting too close or noticing improper behavior.
May Hashem keep all our children safe!
Yes, we need to do our part!
Wow! You are smart! You clearly understood what the author was trying to convey here. Good thing you have patience to explain it to people who don’t seem to get it…unfortunately.
Chilling. One Haaro 2 Reb BG: what’s “turning back to your magazine” suppose to connote? Sounds kind of contemptuous to me. Is this all that you think all parents r busy with?
To all of you who have commented that this was a faulty experiment due to the fact that the guy looked frum: YOU ARE TOTALLY MISSING THE POINT!! Unfortunately, there are predators within the frum community as well (I don’t need to cite well known cases) and those are the most dangerous situations! Your children must be taught that a stranger is a stranger is a stranger. If the child does not personally know the person, they must not talk to them/take candy from them/get a ride with them etc. It’s sad, but it’s simply too risky. DON’T TALK TO… Read more »
Over 20 years ago, I taught my children “we have rules about what food we can eat. We have rule about the clothes we wear and the places we can go. We also have rules about WHO you can go with. No one will ever be sent to pick you up from school unless I give them our secret password, and it will also be someone we TRUST, a friend who’s house we go to, who’s food I let you eat. We also don’t speak to people we don’t TRUST unless you are with your parent or a TRUSTED adult.… Read more »
@#5 and all others who share that opinion:
What if a kidnapper were to know we trust all people that “look frum”? He could easily dress up like a frum Jew and then grab the first kid he sees. I think that we should be careful with who we speak to, if he looks frum or not. Only speak to ppl you know
The experiment was a very clever one and the results are sad. Lets hope that if any future experiments of this sort are conducted, the results should be more successful.
Actually, most outrageous abuse occurs when a child is with someone he already knows… the building super, the tutor, piano teacher, and sorry… uncle, boarder, camp counselor, Shabbos guest… I know. It’s horrible. The only language I could find for my own kids was to tell them that some people grow up on the outside, look completely normal, even frum, but are childish in one particular area — body parts. Especially those that are covered by a bathing suit. They are interested in such things in a way that would be normal in a 2 or 3 year old, but… Read more »
I requested the lesson mentioned in the article and I received it right away. My husband and I read the lesson and we can’t wait to put it into use. It is superb and so easy for anyone to use – even non-teachers as we are. I have no words for anyone who is ________ and says just trust Hashem and all will be good. Sorry if you don’t have the time to protect your children; perhaps you are busy with some other important stuff. We can’t avoid everything, but we must make every effort. I encourage everyone to get… Read more »
I live in West Rogers Park, Chicago. About five years ago, I saw a frum kid miss the bus in the morning, I pulled over and offered him a ride to the bus, I was with my sister in law in the car, he looked at me, hesitated and then said no. He did the right thing, his parents had taught him well.
that is the stupidest thing you could say, why should kids think its ok to go to a complete stranger, or even if he know the person from having over once for shabbos, they shouldn’t go to anyone but a sibling or parent.
You must have been in another planet when Leiby Kletzky got brutaly murdered by a “frum jew”
Some people are such idiots. Don’t wait until something else happens. Teach your kids NOW.
Thank you Rabbi Ginsberg.
The article was very well written.
You drove us beautifully to your point!
Gotta be normal and trust in g-d too….
#16: I was raised that EVERY and EVEN just ONE Jew is a whole world! If we were to take this message – brilliantly conveyed – and do something with it, instead of being defensive and foolish, we may save ONE child from horrible trama.
You missed the point of the article. The point was not to teach our children WHO the animals are. We have know way of knowing that. The point was that teaching YOUR children awareness is YOUR responsibility. Awareness of boundaries. Awareness of their own feelings. What feels right. What doesn’t feel right. This starts at a young age. When your child says she’s hungry, you don’t tell her she isn’t. You validate what she tells you, regardless of convenience. You teach your children the difference between ok touch and not-ok touch. You teach your children that if anyone tells them… Read more »
To #5 and others: I think that children should know that even frum people and those that look frum can be animals. Have we not heard enough stories of frum-looking people who acted like animals and hurt children for life? How foolish can you be and not open your eyes and wake up to the reality? Do we c’v need another STORY to wake us up for a few weeks and then forget again? Do your job – he is offering a lesson plan for how to teach it. Don’t be lazy and don’t be too confident. You may never… Read more »
You are not being realistic. You are going to make your child into a frightened social outcast. Kletzky horror happens once in a lifetime. Instead, teach your kids proper life tools and how to deal with situations, NOT bury yourself under your covers and never speak to anyone again.
It makes more sense to teach your children never to go off with any stranger rather then not to talk to strangers. They might need the help of a stranger in a given situation.
I agree with #9 about the Leiby Kletzky case. But, #5 also has a point.
Excellent article. Smart guy.
You have to teach your child boundaries with frum people, but not the same boundaries as with a goy. I am not burying my head in the sand, but there IS a difference. I would not tell my child that they can’t answer a question to a frum person, rather look out for strange behavior.
Teaching children to stay away from strangers doesn’t mean telling your children that everyone they don’t know is bad. It means that if the person is not someone they know then they have no business talking to them without parental knowledge.
A CH organization took initiative after the Laiby story and put together a video to talk about “stranger danger”. It was a great idea but one thing that I thought gave the wrong idea was how they characterized the stranger. It seems like they chose a very “stranger-like” looking character to portray the stranger. When you tell a child to stay away from strangers, unless you explain what a stranger is, I wouldn’t be surprise if their mind thinks “stay away from strange looking people”. I don’t think you need to teach kids that, they stay away from people they… Read more »
What is wrong with u people? Don’t u remember a precious little boy named Leiby Kletzky obm?
The results of this experiment make me shudder. I’m going to speak to my kids again about not EVER speaking to ANYONE they don’t know, again!
totally agree
I am sure every parent would want a copy, can you please just post it online?
one of the beautiful things about a frum community is that you CAN trust another frum yid!!! try this experiment again with someone who doesnt look frum/jewish and you will see all the kids running a mile. so you want to teach your innocent kinderlach that frum people are animals? just because there is one in a thousand who may cause trouble? and then you’ll teach them that their relatives are animals, or might be. and then you may as well tell them that you the parents are animals… where do you draw the line? In life you cannot protect… Read more »
Perhaps your are not a total stranger to them. Sounds like a silly experiment to me.
They children probably came to him because he looks a frum, so they don’t understand what the problem would be!!! But it’s very true in any other situation…..
Nice social experiment, but to hear the results is shocking.
this is horific simply horendes how could that happen? i would surely NOT do that
thats just not me