Some Shidduch Do’s and Don’ts

By a woman involved in shidduchim

When phoning someone you chose to act as your shadchan please realize when you ask them to inquire about another this generally means you are interested in pursuing the “name” in question.

The shadchan cannot read your mind and cannot know that you are merely looking for a bit of information and nothing even close to pursuing this.

It is unfair for all parties concerned.

The shadchan,

The person being called,

And even you the one who initiated this whole thing. You lose credibility.

So please be clear in your inquiries.

Explain exactly where you are up to and then nobody gets misled / hurt / insulted etc.

This whole parsha is a very sensitive one.

It is terribly important to be considerate and extra sensitive.

It is also important to treat every name given to you as though it were your own –ultimately we are all one.

Do not say “uch” when a name is mentioned – imagine the parent of that child hearing an “uch” response?

Well Hashem is our parent and He hurts when one of His children responds with “uch” about another of His children.

Which brings us to “Our Father in Heaven”

He is the one making your shidduch / your child’s shidduch or whoever.

Your lists and descriptions are really not worth much as far as Hashem is concerned.

He already picked your bashert before you were born.

A good idea would be to daven asking Hashem to send your bashert at the proper time.

Listing attributes like “tall” “thin” “pretty” etc. and or listing your behaviors are merely prolonging the entire process.

Too many names are discarded because of the lengthy descriptions one writes about themselves and what they would like in their significant other.

Comments like “she / he sounds too frum for me” Or vise versa are often the result of too much information listed.

Some may believe they have to portray themselves a certain way because their parents are viewing this list and want to please their parents.

Some are concerned with public opinion and list information that is partly accurate.

Can anyone truly describe themselves honestly?

We need to go back to basics.

A yiras shamayim is a good beginning

Someone you can respect is another good one

It would hasten the process if rather than “resumes” or “bios” we list the schools/yeshivas attended, family and friend references – so that inquiries can be made there…

If you desire more information you can easily do so by speaking to the schools and references provided. Most often you can derive additional names from those listed and thereby get another perspective.

If you feel you do not know the persons listed then find a person you trust (something like a mashpia for shidduchim purposes) and allow them to inquire. Show Hashem that you honestly know that He is your shadchan and He will send you His pick when it is the right time.

If we start approaching the shidduch process this way we may start seeing many more (lasting) mazal tovs.

P.S.

Throw away your lists.

Some parents keep books with lists of names and entire bios – these “books” list attributes and unfortunately oftentimes the opposite.

Your children ARE reading this book regardless of how “well” you have it hidden. Hashem does not keep His book from year to year, why should you? Hashem starts a new book annually so please throw your books away – Little notes that are discarded when done is fine but to keep a megilla is counter productive. If a name resurfaces you can surely get necessary information again.