The Words No One Hears
By Rabbi Shea Hecht
Ever notice how it’s becoming more and more difficult to get a smile out of someone in passing, let alone a nice “hello”? I believe that I have gotten a clue as to the reason why…
Put yourself in the following situations: 1) You’re on your way to shul Shabbos morning when you see your neighbor in the street. You nod and say “Good Shabbos”; 2) You run into a wedding to wish your best to the celebrating families. you push your way through the crush of people to the father of the bride and say “mazal tov”; 3) You come home from the office at the end of the day. Your first grader tells you that he got a 100 on his test. You say, “Wow, that’s great”.
What do these scenarios have in common? In all of them, there’s a very strong possibility that our acknowledgements are not being received at all. And depending on our frame of mind, they all bear the potential to create a terrible breakdown in communication.
Let’s face it. Words, especially without enthusiasm, are pretty cheap. Let’s also face up to the fact that if we’re running a little low on energy, or if we had a tough day at work, our kind words have probably just evaporated into thin air without having done their job of expressing our goodwill.
What aggravates the situation is that this usually goes right over our heads. Our child thinks we don’t appreciate his test score, our neighbor feels slighted and our friend struggles to remember if we even came to their child’s wedding. And even as this happens, we see ourselves as having done our best to maintain a caring and neighborly disposition.
In such exchanges one side feels a pang of neglect while the other is not only oblivious, but actually feels fulfilled. That’s what we call terrible communication. Yes, the words are there, but no one actually hears them.
Anyone who needs an example of how this works can take a moment to smile into the mirror. Is the face smiling back at you what you expected? My guess is that it’s probably not. The smile that we see looking back at us and the smile that we think we’re giving are, in fact, two different faces. In our minds, we are beaming a bright, happy smile. Unless that mirror is lying, our actual expression is a foggy middle ground somewhere between pleasure and pain.
The mirror test is true for any type of communication. The amount of energy and enthusiasm that it takes to give the smile that we really want to give is much greater than we think. And so too with our words. In order to say the words that we really want to say, we must invest a great deal of our energy and attention into what we’re saying.
Communication is focusing not on what we want to “send”, but upon what we want the other person to “receive”. That means that a greeting must be not only audible, but even cheerful and lively. A smile (especially one covered by a bushy beard) really does need to change the look of the face, and maybe even show a few teeth.
Communication is the essence of any relationship. If we want our friends, family and neighbors to feel fulfilled, we must invest energy and enthusiasm into our communication so that, more than just keeping with social niceties, we inspire friendship and goodwill.
written well but hard to hear from the author…..
well said!!! you made nice points and look at the issue logically!
RABBI HECHT, GREAT ARTICLE- BUT IT WOULD BE EVEN NICER IF YOU PRACTICED WHAT YOU PREACHED. I HAD AN ENCOUNTER WITH YOU, AND YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY NOT FRIENDLY!!
You say you grew up in ch, well then, obviously you have no idea what everyone complains about – you probably know all those people you say good shabbos to, and they know you, so they’ll answer back. the point here is saying good shabbos to people who you DONT know. I understand that it’s hard to say good shabbos to every single person you see, cuz like you said, there are alot of poeple, and it can be tiring to say good shabbos good shabbos good shabbos… nonstop. But, as an out of towner, I can tell you how… Read more »
You’ll never know what a simple hello or good Shabbos means to another person. Whether it’s L’ishmo or shelo L’ishmo… ” Mitoich shelo L’ishmo Bo L’ishmo”
to 17 what if the person your saying gut shabbos to, is shy/has a prob talking/doenst want to talk to strangers? i dont think you should say ‘thanks for ignoring me’ because A that embarrasses the one your saying it to and B is DOIREISH from him to tell you back. what if by the end he says ‘ok gut shabbos!’ and you realize the reason he didnt want to say – he stutters badly… or IDK there are many reasons why ppl dont say back. i think its nice to say back gut shabbos but i dont force them.… Read more »
hello, 20, maybe BECAUSE he was next to you, thats y he didnt say hello? because hes so familiar with you
Have you ever had someone say “hello” to you and you say “hello” back to them only to realize they are speaking to someone who is walking behind you? Sometimes I don’t necessarily reply if I’m not sure someone is speaking to me. Also, some people are not comfortable speaking man to woman or woman to man. Always try to judge l’chaf zchus!
Enough said
I grew up and live in CH and always say “Gut Shabbos” to everyone I pass (of the same gender, that is). I have NO IDEA what people keep comlaining about — EVERY SINGLE person answers back a “Gut Shabbos”! (Ok, there were about 6 exceptions in the past 5 years — if you count the people who are engrossed in a conversation with someone else) It’s important to understand that CH isn’t some small community where everyone knows each other, and feels like one family. Fact is, it’s more like a city — it’s big, you don’t know everyone,… Read more »
Bs”d
He’s probably thinking about the bill coming for the simcha.
uh oh..Shea has a phone call to make to ask mechila!…or, maybe go into mimulo and say it with flowers
Shea – I used to Daven with you every morning, not once did you say hello – even if we sat at the same table and we were sitting opposite each other. Reading this made me laugh – coming from you????????????
He is a very busy man! thanks for taking from your time to write these posts on the Internet the world really needs more reb shea’s! is there any way you can put back up the clips of yourself talking in your office? your tie looks so cool there! forget the red yarmalka!
absolutely true.
I live in CH (ok…I wasn’t born here) and try my hardest to say good shabbos to all. I love some of the reactions. for those who ignore you, I simply say to them “thanks for ignoring me”. my theory is that eventually everyone will get the hint and will start replying back
rabbi hecht you are a very busy man-and you probably were debating whether you should take the time or not to write this article, zulstoo vissen az is geven shtark kiday and poyel peuloso and i plan to repeat your words to all i can
Smile and say thank you to your had working, caring father .
We just assume that those who don’t say “Good Shabbos” back are the ones who moved here from Brooklyn.
Rabbi Hecht,
This is a beautifully written article, with a clear and practical -in fact, easy to do- message.
Thank you bringing this point to light!
I went to a very crowded ch wedding. after doing all the right things, saying mazal tov, dancing, giving a gift. saying all the right things to the hostesses …the kallahs mom, who had invited me, asked me a few days later if I was at the wedding!
atleast your saying that the neighbor sais good shobbes to begin with.I really am alittle shocked how “hard” it is for ppl to just greet another jew.It’s funny b/c during farbrengens we actually made this a hachlata a while back to make sure to say good shobbes to ppl in the street of c.h.It’s funny th reactions.The ones that look in utter surprise:like one women said i wa sthe first person she met that she did not know but said good shobbes anyways!The ones i litirallly CANNOT get are the ones that ignore!OH well snobby ppl i shall not give… Read more »
Rabbi Shea Hecht is the chairman of the National Committee for Furtherance of Jewish Education. He is a Rabbi and activist in the Jewish community who has received awards by both government and private organizations for his work in fostering racial harmony. Shea was a member of Mayor Giuliani’s task force on police/community relations and a Commissioner of Human Rights for the New York City. Shea’s expertise is family crisis intervention and as a community liaison to government agencies. His articles are printed in many prominent periodicals, including The Jerusalem Post and The Jewish Week.
wow nice! did you write this when you where on the hot air ballon?
Very nicely written
I’ve been there… I have been to weddings where you go out of your way to attend, and then go over to say mazel tov, and recieve such a luke-warm response you feel like it wasnt worth it at all….
Its attitudes like yours that brings us all down.
what about ahavas yisroel?
Nice! Thanks!
dnt you relize that people are busy and its hard to stop for every person??
As an out of towner, I am shocked that people are very not friendly in Crown Heights. where i come from everyone says good shabbos to each other. here everyone ignores me.
I must say that lately lots of people say Good Shabbos in Crown Heights while walking down the street, even total strangers. At first I wasnt sure how I felt about this relatively new practice in CH, but I must say, i really think its nice.
Ive started doing the same as well…
Its just so nice to be part of a community, say Hello, Good Shabbos.